Me, my son and I: Why I'm only having the one! (From The Argus)

Me, my son and I: Why I'm only having the one!

7:32pm Monday 8th February 2010 in

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With a toddler nearing two years old I find that I am being asked more and more when will I be having my second child. Why? Why is it assumed absolutely that I will be having another? I don’t say I am stopping at one to get a kick out of seeing the shock on people’s faces, I say it because I mean it!

As much as I idolise Baby, and believe me when I say I do, I know completely that he will be our only child. I’m aware that for many this does seem unusual and I find myself having to explain to friends, family, passers-by, the lady that waxes my eyebrows that no we are not trying again because we just don’t want another. Many assume I am playing a kind of game and acknowledge that ‘Yes its hard, I agree - who would go through it again?’ and insist that very soon, if not already, I’ll be back in the family way. I mean – who wouldn’t want to have another? You have to try for the set, the pair, the girl, the 2.4, it’s unfair not to, what about the effect you’ll be having on your son?

Well isn’t that rather unfair to assume that my son will somehow be missing out by not having a sibling? I know a few adult only-children; more well adjusted people you couldn’t hope to meet - they always share and play nice! Baby goes to nursery, has friends, has a dog, has me and his father, goes everywhere with us and to every happening we can think of taking him to. Brighton & Hove is bustling with brilliant kid friendly events and places that will expose him to the world.

I’ll admit to a certain amount of selfishness and the fact that I am not a natural mother, it hasn’t come easy to me and I don’t enjoy it all of the time so why would I feel the need to go through it again? I can already see over the hump of childhood to a time when I won’t be needed continuously 24 hours a day, to a time when I might be able to think about Husband and I more. Baby grows rapidly and beautifully and as time goes by we’ll be able to communicate better and soon lift ourselves out of the chaos of babyhood. A few mothers in my son's soft play group are pregnant again and one already has a newborn strapped to her while her toddler races about - I am exhausted just looking at them. I still believe I already have a baby to look after and that needs all of my attention! Another child would just send us back to that mad time from which you raise your head to find two years have disappeared. Husband and I came to marriage and parenthood quite late and I don’t want to think that the time we have left together is going to be earmarked for children we don’t yet have.

Everyone vouches for the fact that the second child is a lot easier because you apparently know what you are doing the next time round. Well our experience of parenthood has been exactly that – our experience. We spun the wheel, took our chance, had our ups and downs but thankfully seem to be getting on ok. I feel no reason to go back and do it again just to try and change what our experience has been – have a better birth, enjoy pregnancy more, relax during the first six months, buy cuter clothes etc. All the things that people tell me will happen with the second and of course things I wish I had done with Baby, but there we go, why bring another life into the world just because I have learned to knit my own booties and would like a water birth this time?

Another thing that apparently happens with the second is that they easily fall into your already established routine – well if I can’t cope with the everyday chaos believe me when I say I find the routine almost as difficult. The lack of spontaneity in your day is almost claustrophobic – no lie ins, no after work drinks, no quick coffee catch ups, no extended shopping trips. Your life is dictated by the constant striving to meet your child’s needs before they are vociferously announced! Call me callous if you like (and admittedly the routine has worked for us) but I will be glad to cast it off when Baby is older and be able to just say yes to something spontaneously again. If you think I am shallow because I don’t want another child in order to have coffee and go shopping then please believe me when I am talking more about personal freedom – before I had Baby I lived a life I considered to be open and exciting, one that has been curtailed by my child’s arrival. Not his fault - I asked for him to be born - and nothing I would ever reproach him for, but it doesn’t follow that I would go through it again?

As happy and excited as I am about Baby’s future I don’t want my life to now be lived vicariously through my children, there is still plenty that I want to do. I am not saying that having children necessarily stops you doing whatever you like but that first novel, that dirty weekend, that music festival, that new pet, that motorbike, those singing lessons all have to take a back seat when you have a child, as is only right. I hope when Baby is older we can start sharing things that all of us want to do and I certainly don’t want to be a mother that has no interests of her own (or indeed a mother that can only talk about her children).

Now I don’t want you to think me heartless, I am not, I know how lucky we are and we are alive with love for our boy (believe me when I say I get incredibly broody! I have kept Baby in babygros far too long and am always desperate to get my hands on a newborn for a cuddle). But as life-changing as they are, our lives aren’t only about children, and I don’t understand the need to automatically have more than one. We’ve tried parenthood out and found that although we love our child deeply, we haven’t fallen deeply for having children. I know that this will seem odd to some and invite question, but I think that any opinion you have about parenthood, pregnancy and childbirth will be controversial to someone? So despite opinions to the contrary we think it’s a responsible move to stick with yes - just the one - our Number One (and only) Son!