It’s Time For Brighton To Start Walking The Walk (From The Argus)

It’s Time For Brighton To Start Walking The Walk

9:55pm Tuesday 23rd February 2010 in

• Skip social links
• Print
• Email
• Comments(8)

Let me throw you a friggin’ curveball, dude. I wouldn’t usually use such vulgar Americanisms, but with the great Barack Obama, a coloured/colored man now ensconced in the once whitest of White Houses for over a year now, the world has undoubtedly changed.

Following in the footsteps of iconic, peace-loving Democrats such as JFK (forgetting Agent Orange and Vietnam) and Bill "saxophone" Clinton (forgetting Iraqi sanctions which killed half a million children, and the bombing of Serbia), we are now lucky enough to have the supercool Obama (forgetting his lethal drones and the bombing of innocent women and children in Afghanistan), and therefore it's once again okay to "dig" America. After all, B.O. is da funky leader of the free world and a crazy liberal one at that. And he's black! And he likes Jay-Z! So he must be okay. We may still have 99 problems in the world (approximately) but Barack certainly ain’t one.

Anyway, about this curveball. Here it is, so brace yourselves –

Why not make Brighton a totally car-free zone? Every darn day of the goddamn week!

There it is. Most of you will have no doubt spit out your tea or beverage of choice on reading those words in shock while an educated, clued-up few of you will be sagely nodding your heads in agreement, maybe as you read this in a juice bar or in between your yoga sessions on the beach. A totally car-free Brighton? Well, hell yeah!

Now when I say totally car-free, obviously there will be some exceptions - ambulances, fire brigades and buses (the yellow ones that run on vegetable oil obviously), and obviously Abel & Cole seasonal organic veg vans and maybe Waitrose delivery trucks. But other than that, us wonderful forward-thinking Brightonians would be free to stroll the streets of our fine liberal city, without fear of being mowed down by working-class boy-racers or balding middle-aged grey-suited "entrepreneurs" in vile convertible sports cars.

Today, Brighton & Hove is perpetually chock-a-block with four-by-fours and little runabouts belching out their evil fumes, like some kind of giant cigarettes with four wheels and an engine. Children don't play on the streets anymore, instead they are cotton-woolled to death, kept inside where their muscles waste away in front of Wiis and PS3s. When I was a lad, we would gallop around outside our house without a care in the world. Admittedly, we were on horses and outside our house was 10 acres of private parkland, but you get the idea.

As for parents who live too far from their offsprings’ schools or who are without a convenient bus route, why not pop down to the local donkey sanctuary and pick up an abused mule which could easily (and happily) transport your children to school on a daily basis? Or what about those big dogs in animal shelters, like St. Bernards and Irish Wolfhounds? They could easily carry a small child or two. And then there’s the famous “walking buses”. Or if it's only for a few children, a walking car would probably suffice. Maybe even a walking people carrier? (you'll get more space in those).

So have you caught the curveball? Maybe it's hit you square between the eyes. But when the concussion lifts, you may just see what I see. A vision of mind-numbing eco-friendly beauty - North Street full of performance artists miming on the double yellow lines, organic market stalls set up down the centre of Western Road and old age pensioners ambling down the Kings Road on their walking frames without fear of being pole-axed by an articulated lorry. It would be one never-ending street party in Brighthelm. What's not to like?

“I like the cut of your jib, Quentin, but what can I do to help?”, I hear you shout. Well, firstly, pick up that curveball I just threw at you. It’s probably gone behind the sofa or under the telly. And then fling it hard in the direction of your local MP or councillor. They’ll soon get with da programme.

A change is gonna come, Jeremy Clarksons of this world, with your nasty brand of vehicular fascism. It’s time for Brighton to start walking the walk and stop driving the drive!

Peace. Qx