I like to wrap Christmas presents and watch mindless television. Anything too intense and I get distracted and sellotape myself to the coffee table. So last night I sat down, scissors at the ready and switched on Accidental Farmer. Perfect background noise for the task at hand. About ten minutes in, I was seriously considering stabbing myself in the eye with those same scissors. I wasn’t exactly expecting The Lakes, but this was beyond awful. And I am pretty tolerant when it comes to rubbish TV. I watched Michael Winner’s Dining Stars.

PLOT: Erin (Ashley Jensen) tyrannical ad exec, living a pristine yet soulless existence in that London. Comes home one night to find pristine yet soulless boyfriend cheating on her with considerably younger blood. Gets drunk with his credit card. Buys a farm on E-Bay. Moves to farm out of pure stubborness. Finds out she has to share it with aggressive old lady and the pig from Babe. Encounters comedy local types. Falls in mud. Gets pebble dashed by cows and perved on by neighbours. Falls in mud again.

Yet you know, and I know, that she’s going to end up finding herself and love. The signs are already there. As the credits rolled, Erin had saved a cow’s life and received a proposal from her soulless ex boyfriend, who turned up begging her to come home. Cliffhanger or what? Pray to every God you’ve ever heard of that a series doesn’t get commissioned.

Although, suppose it does. And let’s face it, it probably will. So how about they forget the pilot ever happened, and this is how it goes instead…

PLOT: Erin, tyrannical ad exec , cheating boyfriend, soulless existence, blah blah. Moves to her brand new farm. Excels at the country life. Is tossing hay and castrating bullocks by the end of the week. Shaves her head. Turns into the rural version of Ripley from Aliens. Aggressive old lady takes Babe the pig to a Britain’s Got Talent audition and is never heard of again. Meets local types. They all lead sophisticated lives, are incredibly well-read, knowledgeable and articulate. They throw a cocktail party to welcome her to the village. There are canapes and cabaret. Erin falls in the mud on her way home and never regains consciousness. FIN.

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