So how was it for you? The year 2013 that is. Are you relieved that you’ve survived the assault on your senses that was Miley Cyrus twerking her youth away? The trials and tribulations of poor Nigella (sniff) and the Soho Strangler, aka Charles Saatchi? Or are you chalking off your triumphs as the so-called recovery takes hold (you lucky 1%, you).

A local couple celebrated winning the Euro- millions lottery by parking on a deserted Brighton seafront for a whole hour in June. “A million quid well spent,” said Mr Spage of Bevendean.

The most used word of the year according to the Oxford English Dictionary was apparently “selfie”, as in to take a photograph of oneself. This phenomenon was boosted by such luminaries as the Pope, Michelle Obama and Ed Miliband, although this trend was shunned by Nick Clegg as there wasn’t enough room in the shot for both of his faces.

International news

German Chancellor Herr Merkel… sorry Frau Merkel (easy mistake to make) won her third election in a row and is now the indisputable leaderene of Europe. She took a nice holiday to Greece to celebrate. Upon arrival a Greek border guard said, “Occupation?” Merkel replied, “Nein, just eine weekend break.”

There was a real life glimpse of Armageddon, as a giant meteor hit the Russian city of Chelyabinsk, with a detonation 30 times more powerful than the bomb dropped on Hiroshima.

This was third only to the bombshell Edward Snowden dropped when revealing that the NSA in the United States and GCHQ in the UK have been spying on us for years. Snowden is now holed up in Russia on a “refugee” visa.

These bombshells pale into insignificance when compared to the shockwaves caused by Putin’s jailing of Pussy Riot. In popular beat-combo parlance, that was, “Da bomb”. Vlad, you’re so butch! I mean, really, just look at all those shots of a bare-chested Putin and his predilection for wrestling “bears”. Overcompensating just a tad there, comrade?

Good news/bad news

Thanks to George Osborne’s Help To Buy scheme, the next house price bubble (will they never learn?) is growing nicely. Good news for those with mansions, positions on the boards of City institutions and a real income. Bad news for the rest of us.

The bedroom tax was rolled out to stop all those nasty plebs from parking their wheelchairs in the dry.

Meantime, Scottish independence edges closer with Alex “Freedom!” Salmond stepping up his campaign to doom England to decades of right-wing rule. After bagpipes, Susan Boyle and (produced in Scotland) Mrs Brown’s Boys, haven’t we English suffered enough?

We had a new Pope following the resignation of Pope Benedict. The Vatican Holy See appointed Pope Francis the First to the Papacy. The Catholic Church is now minted thanks to shares in restaurant chain Frankie and Benny’s.

Local news

The much-heralded Lewes Road destruction – sorry, “improvement” – scheme opened, with traffic congestion, vehicles turning into cycle lanes and causing traffic jams that generate even more exhaust emissions. Environ-mentalism at its best.

Environ-mentalism part II: fracking in the Downs at Balcombe. No, not some variation on the latest fetish in the dogging community. It’s the lovely idea of exploding poisonous materials into the Downs to release more gas for our poor, hard-up power companies. The name of the company doing the drilling? Cuadrilla, which sounds like the name of a Disney villain. They can frack off.

Brighton and Hove council chief Jason Kitcat continues to preside over a fractious Green Party, recently divided into two groups of fruit (yes, really). The so-called watermelons, (green on the outside, red on the inside) are deemed to be a threat to the current leadership, made up of mangos, apparently.

Perhaps the money the council spent on counselling the councillors could be better spent locking the lot in the council chamber with crates full of their preferred fruit and told not to come out until someone’s been puréed into submission?

Local elections are due in 2015 but warning bells started ringing after Labour’s Emma Daniels unexpectedly gained a seat in the Green gulag of Hanover and Elm Grove.

The much-admired Green MP Caroline Lucas has astutely distanced herself from the current council regime, siding with the bin men in a dispute that led to rotting rubbish piling up all over the city for weeks.

We finally had a nice summer! It was lovely and warm and the sun shone, though not on Brighton’s hard-pressed seafront businesses as the extortionate car parking prices kept visitors away. Although it did boost council coffers to the tune of half a million quid and keep the city’s burgeoning traffic warden population in work, which was nice. Every cloud...

Football

Gus Poyet leaves The Albion. The brown stuff really hit the fans (or at least the floor of the dressing room toilets) when Albion lost to arch rivals Crystal Palace in the play-offs.

A promising 0-0 draw in the first leg at Selhurst Park promised much for the second leg. But there was profound disappointment as Albion lost the second leg to a Palace side who are now struggling at the foot of the Premier League (snigger).

Cue the so-called “sacking” of Gus on live television (he must have known, surely?) and the installation of the urbane and understated Oscar Garcia who has, so far, been a brilliant appointment.

From the depths of despair to hope for another push for the play-offs in a few fraught months, another year in the rollercoaster that is the life of an Albion customer… sorry, supporter (copyright Albion CEO Paul Barber).

The icing on the blue and white Christmas cake this year? Crystal Palace appoints that football purist Tony Pulis as their new manager. Cue wild celebrations from the people who run the nation’s Spot The Ball competitions. There is sadly no truth in the rumour that Crystal Palace, in a desperate bid for points, have offered the job of driving the team coach to Chris Huhne.

Cricket

Despite a 3-0 Ashes victory over the Aussies in the summer, the return fixture Down Under rapidly turned into a parody of a well-known reality TV show set in the Australian jungle.

The England football team are set to follow this trend in the World Cup next year, after being drawn to play Italy in the heart of the Amazon. The worlds of cricket and football collide in I’m An England Fan... Get Me Out Of Here!

And finally

Now, in time-honoured tradition, the “ahh bless” story at the end of the news. A Royal baby is born. “Ahhhh,” I hear you all cry. Isn’t it lovely to welcome a future King of England to the world? Silver spoons all round!

Finally, no review of the year would be complete without our favourite news item, the winner of Rear Of The Year 2013: Flavia Cacace and Vincent Simone. “Who they?” I hear you cry. The Treason writers’ team had never heard of them either. Apparently they are from Strictly Come Factor, or whatever it’s called.

Next year we are hoping George Osborne’s face might be in with a shot but the writers’ pit have their bail money on Paul Barber.

Merry Crimbo one and all!