The Treason Show’s Christmas Special: THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS ‘15

Brighton Dome Studio Theatre, New Road, Sunday, December 27, to New Year's Eve

So that was the year that was 2015? Hopefully you have thrived and survived and perhaps wondered, like so many Treason Show writers, how the hell our attempts to satirise the great and good can be so easily "Trumped"? Well here goes.

Locally, Sussex Police have reassured the public who may have seen anyone loitering around Brighton, acting suspiciously. It was just the cast of the BBC police drama, CUFFS.

A Brighton couple stranded in the Himalayas for days say they pulled through thanks to their high morale. They were cheered up by tweets from friends and family stuck without food, water or air on a Southern Railways train.

To everyone’s surprise, particularly ‘Ding dong’ Dave Cameron, the Conservatives won the general election. Nick Clegg’s party were reduced to a rump, which did at least have two upsides. The Lib Dems can attend their annual conference in just the one car and puts them in the running for the prestigious Rear Of The Year award. Ed Miliband who couldn’t win a debate with an empty chair, resigned only to replaced by a slightly grumpier version of Obi Wan Kenobi. If you cast your vote with hope in your heart only to find yourself marooned in a sea of despond, then you had three options. 1) Jump off the new i360 phallus….sorry tower. 2) Emigrate to somewhere less depressing. Syria? Selhurst Park? Or 3) Wallow in the comforting womb of the glorious People’s Republic of Brighton & Hove, a delightfully sardonic group of depressed lefties who cheered us all up no end.

At the end of it all the Labour Party members got what they yearned for, a proper Labour leader, whilst the right wing press got what they wanted, a punch bag for all the worlds ills: ISIS, the weather, the lack of toilets on Southern trains, Katie Hopkins and Sussex getting relegated from the County Championship, not to mention the death-trap flower bins on Viaduct Road. As they say in Daily Mail editorial meetings: “How is this story Jeremy Corbyn’s fault?”

Nine British medics have gone to work in Syrian hospitals controlled by ISIS. They told friends the world’s most brutal warzone is preferable to Sussex County’s A&E department on a Saturday night.

Nigel Farage has made his strongest statement yet in favour of the NHS. He says it almost killed him.

A number of short hairy people with pointy ears have been found protesting at the foot of our beloved i360 and were spotted chucking metal rings at the tower. When questioned, they replied: “We spotted a bunch of Orcs starring gormlessly at the tower and then we mistook the red light on the top of the tower for the Eye of Mordor." However, when informed that the Red Eye of Mordor was in fact an aircraft warning light and that the so-called the Orcs were merely day trippers from Croydon, the protest was called off by their leader, a Mr Frodo of Arundel.

Kate and Wills have procreated again. Ahh! Cute baby number two. So that’s another unemployed mother living on state benefits with too many bedrooms. I don’t see Minister Nosferatu….sorry, Iain Duncan Smith clamping down on her benefits.

Following the departure from the BBC of petrol-head charmer Jeremy Clarkson, the Beeb needed to find a well known presenter to fill those size 12 shoes with the shotgun holes. So a female sidekick is to join Chris Evans presenting the show. They need to have a big male following, can mix it with colleagues, and is highly knowledgeable about all aspects of Top Gear. Nigella Lawson anyone?

Renowned street artist, Banksy caused a stir when he opened a dystopian theme park full of depressing features, labelling it a “Bemusement Park” called ‘Dismaland’ full of exhibits such a crashed police van, derelict buildings and a book burning event. He is being sued for plagiarism by the city of Croydon.

No review of the year would be complete without announcing this year’s winner of our own Rear of the Year award. The Treason writers pit wanted to put their bail money on Jason Kitcat for a second successive year, but this year the award goes to …yes you guessed it… Nick Clegg, for not only delivering five years of austerity with the ConDem Nation but for wiping out his own party in the process, thereby delivering a Tory government for another five years. Surely the biggest Rear of the Year, ever.

Popular music beat combo’s continue to feature in the news, and to finish these are the top three songs of the year as chosen by our beloved Prime Minister. At number three we have Take a Pork On The Wild Side, at number two it’s Stand By Your Ham and our number one top song as chosen by David Cameron has to be Wham Bam Thank You Ham.

I’d better end there, don’t want to hog the page.

Happy New Year!

Mark Brailsford

Starts 8pm (7pm Thurs 31), from £13.50. Call 01273 709709 or visit www.brightondome.org