Another fall

3:57pm Thursday 29th May 2008

I had another fall on my face only this time I was home alone.

The damage wasn't as bad this time. My nose bled and it hurt but the worst of it was how vulnerable and shaken up it left me feeling.

Fortunately, my friend Mandy turned up just as it happened - it certainly feels like someone out there is looking out for me.

Jacob could see that I had been crying when he got home from school and was absolutely wonderful. It made me start crying again but they were tears of love and pride for my son this time.

The skin pigmentation and blistering under my arms, in my groin and other susceptible places have got progressively worse but luckily I have a really fabulous and approachable GP who came to see me at home and prescribed me lots of wonderful soothing creams and emollients.

We have also discovered a brilliant gel mouthwash which has really helped with the ulcers. The skin condition is called Acanthosis Nigricams - it's extremely unattractive and uncomfortable and is a further form of cancer brought on more so from the chemo and weight gain.

My oncologist has advised that the MRI tests that I had as an in-patient also show a further spread of the cancer to my cervical spine and that there is no further treatment that I can be given, although we may try one-off hits of radiotherapy.

He has advised that I should stay home and not attempt to go out. Following a fall while out for a meal with friends I am inclined to agree with him - my friends are amazing but my confidence is getting low and I feel a bit of a liability.

I will continue with my pain relief but this will now be the responsibility of the palliative care team of St Barnabas in Durrington, Worthing, and all other treatments, including chemo, hormone and steroids will now stop.

Although we have known all along that my cancer is terminal, it was still hard to hear and I was fighting back the tears as I thanked my oncologist, genuinely, for the care he has provided and all he has done for me, trying so hard and I think successfully, to prolong my life.

I have such respect for him and for all the fantastic care that I have received from his staff team and the staff at Worthing Hospital.

Tom was with me which I was really pleased about but we then faced the dilemma of whether or not to say anything to the boys. We didn't want to worry or confuse them but we decided we would - such a nice mum - because I knew they would be able to tell something was wrong and hear people talking...

I'd prefer, as they do, for them to be fully in the picture all the time.

Also it justifies me nagging them to help about the house more - tee hee. We have already started negotiations on school morning preparations and journeys.

Lewis said: "Mum, before you die I'd really like you to see me in the new Chelsea kit." We managed a trip up to London to visit Tom's mum and I am so pleased that I stayed well enough to see her.

From there we met up in Woking with Tom's brother Will, sister Maureen and their partners Jane and Martin.

I had one wobbly turn before we left and spent the whole of the next day in bed but mostly I stayed well and it was great to catch up with them.

Jacob made me jump on Wednesday night. I knocked my jewellery box over accidentally and on hearing the crash he thought I had fallen. He was so adorable, expressing concern and by my side in seconds.

Today (Saturday) and tomorrow (Sunday), we will be helping with the launch of Cancer Research UK 24-hour Relay For Life at Stanmer Park in Brighton.

I am not anticipating being out much after that but I will never say never, although I think for now reaching this weekend and keeping myself vertical is challenging enough for me.

Editor's Choice