To kiss or not to kiss?

2:41pm Monday 8th October 2007

A kiss greeting is one of the most complicated issues etiquette can throw up.

How many times should you have met someone before you kiss them? What should you do if they're older than you, or younger?

How can you read their body language to know what's appropriate? And even if you pluck up the courage and go for it, should you go for cheek or air? One cheek? Both? Or maybe even three kisses? Don't the French do three?

Or is that the Italians? This is exhausting. Time to ask an expert

Heather Pickering is an etiquette consultant for Protocol Plus, which provides tuition for individuals on business overseas.

She's fed up with people kissing when they're introduced - which is happening in even the most rarefied of circles.

"It's disgraceful," she says. "In polite society, you do not kiss people on first meeting. In the old days, etiquette dictated a woman had to put her hand out before a man would shake it. If she didn't, the man didn't offer his. The same should go for kissing. A man should wait for the woman to move.

"If you get off on the wrong foot by kissing someone when you shouldn't, it will cause problems.

Formal behaviour is always more acceptable than informal and it's only when you've learned the rules you can adapt them.

"Over-familiarity can be a great disadvantage with people. If I'm introduced to some great gangly bloke with smelly breath and he leans over to kiss me, it's terrible. No, thank you."

But what if the person is young and attractive? Is that then OK?

"No, even then it's not right. If in doubt, don't."

Wo we've established you should never offer a peck on the cheek to someone you've never met before and if you don't think you should kiss someone, you probably shouldn't - but what about those people you know and want to show some genuine affection towards?

"A kiss on one cheek is fine," says Heather.

Great, at last something is simple.

But wait...

"It really depends on the situation and it depends on your culture as to how many times you should kiss someone. In Britain, one is acceptable, maybe two, but we do adopt other people's cultures and that may cause problems. I go for two because I used to know a lot of French people and it's stuck with me.

"If you're meeting a Japanese person, you don't kiss at all. They don't kiss in Japan, even during sex I believe.

"If you've been brought up going to France on holiday a lot, depending on which areas, you may opt for three or even five kisses," continues Heather.

"Men in the Middle East kiss each other as a matter of course but blokes don't do that over here unless they've scored a goal playing football."

Phew! Finally, the oft-ridiculed "air kiss" so beloved of theatre luvvies and ladies who lunch. Surely there's no place for this?

"There is," explains Heather.

"Ladies who lunch do it because they know each other and it's affectionate, without smudging their make-up, and theatre people do it because it's dramatic and it looks good."

This may all sound a little complicated but it really needn't be, as long as you don't panic and flutter while trying to decide what to do.

Making do with a handshake when someone is expecting you to pucker up might cause an awkward moment but it'll be nothing compared to the embarrassment of pulling some unwilling soul toward you and forcing a kiss on them.

State by state

If you're travelling, follow our guide to European kissing etiquette, and never make a mistake again.

• FRANCE - As we all know, the French love to kiss. Parisians adopted the four-kiss rule a few years ago, left cheek first, while three is the order of the day in Brittany. One on each cheek will suffice for most other areas.

• NETHERLANDS - The Dutch always start and end kissing on the same cheek, so three is the minimum you can get away with.

If it's an elder or close family member, add a few more to show some extra affection.

• SPAIN, AUSTRIA AND SCANDINAVIA - Finally, a few simple countries. This group of nations all opt for two kisses, while the Spanish are the only ones who stipulate how you do it.

They go for right cheek first.

• GERMANY - Not that we want to perpetuate stereotypes but the Germans are ruthlessly efficient when it comes to greetings.

Kissing is for family and close friends only. For anyone else, a handshake is enough.

• ITALY - Despite a reputation for flamboyant greetings, the Italians restrict kissing for very close friends and family members only, with no number stated as the correct amount. Hugs and handshakes make do for everyone else.

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