Tequila slammers, toddler tantrums, too-tight dresses and sulky men. In her new book The
Modern Maiden's Handbook, Brighton author Nina de la Mer offers a tongue-in-cheek, realistic
take on today's woman. She talks to Ruth Addicott about careers, cabbage leaves and MILFs
It's a complicated business being
a woman and when it comes to noholds-
barred advice on matters
such as abortion, snorting speed
and keeping your "minky" in
order, the truth is all too often
in short supply.
Tired of bossy self-help books and
waffle such as "don't reveal too much
of your personality on a first date",
Brighton author Nina de la Mer has
written her own refreshing take on
what it's like to be a woman today.
The Modern Maiden's Handbook
offers tips on everything from tequila
slammers to how to indulge in a spot of
onanism in a power shower or cope
with a man when he's got his "beeriod".
While the advice might be a bit too
modern for some (it is the antithesis of
the Daily Mail), Nina gets down to the
nitty gritty with tongue in cheek
humour and honesty. A lot of the book
is based on anecdotes from friends but
advice such as putting cabbage leaves
inside your bra at night to ease breastfeeding,
she has tried and tested.
"It's an old wives tale," she explains.
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"My boobs were like melons and
extremely painful after I had my daughter.
Obviously my husband didn't like
it because they'd be hanging out my
brassiere - but it did the trick."
Nina's book coincides with several
new launches including Tara Palmer-
Tompkinson's The Naughty Girl's
Guide. One of the differences between
the two is the chapter on how to chuck
a sickie (put talc on your face to appear
wan the day before). Nina's reasoning
is women have so much more to do than
men they are entitled to the odd day off.
"I wanted to write something that
didn't demonise women and made
them think it's OK to get drunk, split
your knickers and phone in sick. Everyone
is human," she notes.
Along with life, love, sex, beauty,
friends, partying and work, Nina also
reflects on pregnancy and kids.
"The biggest frustration facing
women today is trying to do it all," she
says. "I see so much potential in my
friends who are all really talented and
as soon as they have kids it stops. The
harsh reality is nine times out of ten
it's the mum who has to sacrifice her
potential. Young women today have
too much guilt about their looks, being
the perfect mum or girlfriend and the
ideal employee and that is what this
book is about - it's to make women feel
good about themselves and not have
stupid hang-ups."
Nina recommends giving a wide
berth to the glossies with their features
on anorexia and fashion modelled by
teenage "lollipop sticks".
Besides binge-drinking, hiding a
hangover and retaining a reputation as
the office square, another subject Nina
touches on is drugs. She offers a stepby-
step guide to LSD ("a hallucinogenic
drug that will either have you weeing
yourself with laughter or crying for
your mummy for 12 hours solid"), speed
("you may feel higher than Mount Fuji
when you're on it, but the comedown is
worse than having your feet run over
a cheese grater while hot knitting
needles are poked in your eyes") and
cocaine ("you could be in Stuttgart and
think you'd hoovered your way up to
party central").
Having pointed out the highs, she
also points out the lows, including
the paranoia, emotional trauma and
incessant urge to "poop" after taking
Ecstacy. "Do take some toilet paper
with you to the club or you may end up
inadvertently using your train ticket
home," she advises.
Was this based on personal experience?
Nina says no, adding while she is
not averse to the odd night out, this particular
incident came from a "friend".
While there will be plenty of people
in Brighton who are able to identify
with this, there will be others who
feel she has gone too far. The in-depth
guide on how to achieve the ultimate
binge-drinking session is also likely to
rattle a few cages.
Nina is prepared for complaints but
says as she was writing a book about
all aspects of modern life she couldn't
ignore it. She also has a gripe with TV
programmes such as Booze Britain.
"It's so sexist," she rants. "Too long
have we been the ones tied to the
kitchen sink, wiping snotty kids' noses
while men go down to the pub and
prop up the bar. Clearly, I don't think
it's sensible to binge-drink but it's
our turn to have some fun."
As for teenagers taking her advice
a bit too literally, she says: "I credit
them with the intelligence to see it as
a joke. The point is they're already
doing it and I'd rather them read that
than be villified in the Daily Mail."
Apart from sulky men, another of
Nina's pet hates is the term MILF'.
"I think that's a disgusting term.
You're no longer a mother in your own
right," she says. "Yes we can reminisce
about the times when we could float
round the house in a colourful kaftan or
Laura Ashley dress gracefully covering
up all our lumps and bumps. Now the
prevailing look to aspire to is the
yummy mummy', the half-baked idea
of looking as if you never gave birth at
all. These women have perky boobs as
opposed to whopping melons, taut
tums, not post-pregnancy paunches
and are more well groomed than well
grimed in baby debris. I find that whole
yummy mummy' thing ludicrous."
Nina claims it's time for a wake-up
call and urges women to invent
a sassier approach to mothergood,
accepting the stretch marks, flab and
all. She offers a wealth of tips in her
book from wearing pattern prints to
disguise the baby vomit to hanging out
on occasion with childless friends to
claw back some of your old identity.
As Julie Burchill says in the
foreward, Nina's book gives "a kick up
the bum to lifestyle books and
magazines". If you want to grab the
21st century by the balls, rip up the
rules and read this book.
The Modern Maiden's Handbook by Nina de la Mer costs £7.99
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