Tequila slammers, toddler tantrums, too-tight dresses and sulky men. In her new book The Modern Maiden's Handbook, Brighton author Nina de la Mer offers a tongue-in-cheek, realistic take on today's woman. She talks to Ruth Addicott about careers, cabbage leaves and MILFs

It's a complicated business being a woman and when it comes to noholds- barred advice on matters such as abortion, snorting speed and keeping your "minky" in order, the truth is all too often in short supply.

Tired of bossy self-help books and waffle such as "don't reveal too much of your personality on a first date", Brighton author Nina de la Mer has written her own refreshing take on what it's like to be a woman today.

The Modern Maiden's Handbook offers tips on everything from tequila slammers to how to indulge in a spot of onanism in a power shower or cope with a man when he's got his "beeriod".

While the advice might be a bit too modern for some (it is the antithesis of the Daily Mail), Nina gets down to the nitty gritty with tongue in cheek humour and honesty. A lot of the book is based on anecdotes from friends but advice such as putting cabbage leaves inside your bra at night to ease breastfeeding, she has tried and tested.

"It's an old wives tale," she explains.

"My boobs were like melons and extremely painful after I had my daughter.

Obviously my husband didn't like it because they'd be hanging out my brassiere - but it did the trick."

Nina's book coincides with several new launches including Tara Palmer- Tompkinson's The Naughty Girl's Guide. One of the differences between the two is the chapter on how to chuck a sickie (put talc on your face to appear wan the day before). Nina's reasoning is women have so much more to do than men they are entitled to the odd day off.

"I wanted to write something that didn't demonise women and made them think it's OK to get drunk, split your knickers and phone in sick. Everyone is human," she notes.

Along with life, love, sex, beauty, friends, partying and work, Nina also reflects on pregnancy and kids.

"The biggest frustration facing women today is trying to do it all," she says. "I see so much potential in my friends who are all really talented and as soon as they have kids it stops. The harsh reality is nine times out of ten it's the mum who has to sacrifice her potential. Young women today have too much guilt about their looks, being the perfect mum or girlfriend and the ideal employee and that is what this book is about - it's to make women feel good about themselves and not have stupid hang-ups."

Nina recommends giving a wide berth to the glossies with their features on anorexia and fashion modelled by teenage "lollipop sticks".

Besides binge-drinking, hiding a hangover and retaining a reputation as the office square, another subject Nina touches on is drugs. She offers a stepby- step guide to LSD ("a hallucinogenic drug that will either have you weeing yourself with laughter or crying for your mummy for 12 hours solid"), speed ("you may feel higher than Mount Fuji when you're on it, but the comedown is worse than having your feet run over a cheese grater while hot knitting needles are poked in your eyes") and cocaine ("you could be in Stuttgart and think you'd hoovered your way up to party central").

Having pointed out the highs, she also points out the lows, including the paranoia, emotional trauma and incessant urge to "poop" after taking Ecstacy. "Do take some toilet paper with you to the club or you may end up inadvertently using your train ticket home," she advises.

Was this based on personal experience?

Nina says no, adding while she is not averse to the odd night out, this particular incident came from a "friend".

While there will be plenty of people in Brighton who are able to identify with this, there will be others who feel she has gone too far. The in-depth guide on how to achieve the ultimate binge-drinking session is also likely to rattle a few cages.

Nina is prepared for complaints but says as she was writing a book about all aspects of modern life she couldn't ignore it. She also has a gripe with TV programmes such as Booze Britain.

"It's so sexist," she rants. "Too long have we been the ones tied to the kitchen sink, wiping snotty kids' noses while men go down to the pub and prop up the bar. Clearly, I don't think it's sensible to binge-drink but it's our turn to have some fun."

As for teenagers taking her advice a bit too literally, she says: "I credit them with the intelligence to see it as a joke. The point is they're already doing it and I'd rather them read that than be villified in the Daily Mail."

Apart from sulky men, another of Nina's pet hates is the term MILF'.

"I think that's a disgusting term.

You're no longer a mother in your own right," she says. "Yes we can reminisce about the times when we could float round the house in a colourful kaftan or Laura Ashley dress gracefully covering up all our lumps and bumps. Now the prevailing look to aspire to is the yummy mummy', the half-baked idea of looking as if you never gave birth at all. These women have perky boobs as opposed to whopping melons, taut tums, not post-pregnancy paunches and are more well groomed than well grimed in baby debris. I find that whole yummy mummy' thing ludicrous."

Nina claims it's time for a wake-up call and urges women to invent a sassier approach to mothergood, accepting the stretch marks, flab and all. She offers a wealth of tips in her book from wearing pattern prints to disguise the baby vomit to hanging out on occasion with childless friends to claw back some of your old identity.

As Julie Burchill says in the foreward, Nina's book gives "a kick up the bum to lifestyle books and magazines". If you want to grab the 21st century by the balls, rip up the rules and read this book.

  • The Modern Maiden's Handbook by Nina de la Mer costs £7.99