In a world of illicit affairs, single parents, gay relationships and co-habiting, who in their right mind would want to get married?
In her
controversial new book Ball & Chain, Brighton author Nicky Falkof reveals why married men do less housework and sexual attraction
lasts no longer than two years.
Ruth Addicott meets her to unravel the myths of romance and uncover the truth about marriage
"If you dare to say anything
pro women which isn't
empowerment by poledancing,
people assume
you're a man-hater,"
complains local author
and self-styled feminist
Nicky Falkof.
Having just written
a book dissecting the
myths of modern-day
marriage and fairytale
weddings, the 30-year-old
is bound to rattle a few
"princess-for-a-day" tiaras.
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Ball & Chain, The Trouble
With Modern Marriage takes
a witty, light-hearted look at
married life. Based on a mixture
of hard facts and stats, it unravels
the mystery of romance and
discovers a huge range of people who
tied the knot for the wrong reasons -
"I wanted to wear a white dress"
being one of them.
Brighton-based Nicky, who is
originally from South Africa,
decided to write the book after
two of her best friends got
divorced within a year of
walking up the aisle. Both
were approaching 30, both
had friends and siblings
who were married and
both said yes to the first
bloke who asked. Nicky
describes them as
otherwise intelligent,
sensible people who
somehow got caught
up in this strange
marital fever.
"It got me
wondering why
we are all still
so obsessed
with getting married and the more
I looked at it, the more it made me
bristle," she says.
If the figures are anything to go by,
she isn't alone.
In February, the BBC reported that
wedding rates in the UK were at their
lowest since records began, with the
number of couples living together
having gone up tenfold since 1960.
Nicky insists she is not trying to
single-handedly destroy the institution
of marriage - just to get people to think
and consider their choices a bit more.
So what exactly does she have
against getting married?
"I think my biggest problem is that
it's seen as inevitable," she says. "It's
something you have to do at a certain
age to take your place in the adult
world. Marriage is the norm. If you're
in a serious relatonship, you're always
asked Why don't you get married?' and
it makes people assume it's something
they should do.
"In a lot of cases marriage has a
deeply traditionalising effect on people
and that can be very detrimental."
Asked to elaborate, she cites a survey
which found married men do significantly
less housework than men who
are living with their partner. As if the
hoovering isn't bad enough, it seems
married women are also worse off
financially, apparently not being quite
as savvy as men at saving.
"The cliche that evil money-grabbing
women marry clueless, gormless men
and leave them high and dry is just not
true," says Nicky. "The truth is, women
end up financially wrecked by divorce."
Nicky's other gripe is the wedding
rituals themselves - the tradition of
the bride's father being asked for her
hand in marriage, then being handed
over "like a prized cow".
Then there's the wedding ring itself.
While lots of women cannot wait
to get their hands on a diamond
encrusted rock the size of Gibraltar,
Nicky believes there are "deeper
connotations of ownership" at stake.
One of the biggest problems with
modern-day marriage, she says,
is that expectations have
changed.
Marriage was originally
invented as a
practical building
block of society
so a couple could have children and
the man would know who to leave his
flock of sheep to. There was no place
for romance, sexy knickers or scented
candles.
In early American colonies,
preachers would even tell their
parishioners not to love their husbands
to an "unseemly level" as it would
complicate matters - just as it has
done today, according to Nicky.
"Marriage is no longer about
practicalities," she says. "It has become
a space where we are supposed to
find love and happiness. In a way, it
has made itself redundant because as
soon as it stops making us happy, it is
not necessary."
Nicky says we've become obsessed
with the idea of marriage being the
ultimate place for romantic fulfillment
after having it rammed down our
throats by everyone from Tony Blair
to Boyzone.
"It's all the cultural stuff we're fed
from the Government and politicians
who like to put us in boxes which
are easy to understand," she rants. "As
well as pop songs and movies and the
bridal industry - don't get me started
on the bridal industry.
(On a roll) "It is actually quite
appalling the amount of money made
by the bridal industry. If people can't
afford to get on the property ladder,
where are they getting £16,000 to
blow on one big day?
"The bridal industry isn't there to
make sure every woman feels like
a princess on her special day, it's
there to suck as much money as
it possibly can out of us and we're
falling for it hook, line and sinker."
But what if you've just met the love
of your life and want to spend a few
bob showing the world how blissfully
happy you are?
This carries no weight with Nicky
who retorts: "It's very romantic but
extremely foolish. If you honestly
believe you are entering into a marriage
because you love the person and
want to spend the rest of your life with
them, it shouldn't cost that much.
"This ostentatious one-upmanship
that the amount of money you spend
on your marriage becomes almost
a symbol of how much it means to you,
is really misguided."
Nicky pauses momentarily, to stress
she is not an "embittered old hag", just
against the institution of marriage.
"A lot of people assume I'm
a dungaree-wearing, man-hating,
angry, bitter woman who can't find
herself a husband but it's not like that
at all," she says. She might be single
at the moment but, having had her
fair share of boyfriends, she states she
is in "no way" anti-relationships and
even envisages herself settling down
with a partner and having kids one day.
So what if the man of her dreams
turns out to play for Chelsea and
wants the ultimate, full-on, Wag-style
wedding?
(Choking on her coffee) "That's
never going to happen. And anyway,
I don't know the first thing about
football. That's about as likely as me
snagging one of the Princes."
Researching her book, Nicky came
across all sorts of bizarre reasons for
getting married, the saddest being "I
didn't want to be alone".
She cites another example of
a woman who was 31 and onto her
fifth marriage. Having got drunkenly
married at 18, she married again at 19,
then split up because he was violent,
only to find someone else who was even
worse, who stole her son and all her
shares from her father's business.
"This woman was on to her fifth husband
and on the verge of leaving him. It
was astonishing," says Nicky. "She was
Italian born and Catholic and part of
her reasoning was you have to be married'.
She was also an inveterate romantic
and found the idea of being married
more appealing than just being with
someone."
Getting married is no guarantee of
commitment, as the statistics show.
But even more interesting are the
studies which show the chemicals
produced in the initial love-struck
phase (when people moon over each
other in a deeply romantic fashion,
becoming unnecessarily weepy, having
trouble sleeping and forgetting to eat)
last a maximum of two years.
Given this is the same chemical
which makes you want to ravish your
partner and bear their children, it's
hardly viable for making a life-long
commitment.
"If you're left with anything after
two years, it's far more likely to be
a real, solid, conscious, emotionallybased
attraction and care for the
person," concludes Nicky.
Which is where Ann Summers and
Viagra come in.
"I think we forget we are all still
victims of our own chemistry," she
says. "Phrases such as blinded by love'
are not accidental. It's easy to assume
it will last forever but that rush does
fade and if you can't imagine helping
your partner with their walking stick
when they're 70, then you're probably
making a big mistake."
As far as affairs go, Nicky believes if
you're going to cheat. you're going to
cheat whether you've been dating for
a month or married 60 years.
So what does she think of David
Cameron's view that the decline in
marriage is partly to blame for the
breakdown of society?
"What he's talking about is marriage
as it was 150 to 200 years ago," she
counters. "He's not talking about it
as a space where you meet someone,
fall in love and go skipping happily
through the forest holding hands while
butterflies flit around your head.
"Plenty of people have very good
relationships without the need for
marriage and politicians such as
David Cameron are really muddying
the waters.
"You might be able to offer a few tax
breaks but you're not going to stem the
tide of people who don't want to get
married. Why should you be rewarded
just because you choose to get married?
How you choose to love doesn't have
nearly as much social effect as how
you choose to parent."
By focusing too much on marriage,
Nicky believes the Government is
doing a disservice to children of
single parents, who are prone to
doing not so well at school as children
of married couples.
"It is not being raised by one parent
that's the problem but the level of
education and income," she says.
"What we're doing is demonising single
mums. We're leaving them to flounder
around on their own and we're telling
married people they're doing well."
Nicky refers to psychotherapist
Philip Hodson, who she quotes in her
book, and suggests there is too much
emphasis on the romance of marriage
these days and not enough on
parenting. "Kids should definitely
have priority," she says.
A survey in The Sun earlier this
year claimed 25 per cent of married
people wish they hadn't got married,
while 15 per cent had doubts even
as they walked down the aisle.
With 560,000 due to marry in the UK
this year, that's 84,000 people unhappy
at spending a lifetime with their
other half.
What Nicky hopes to see ultimately
is a change in attitudes and for people
to start questioning couples on why
they are getting married rather than
why they aren't.
"If marriage becomes less of
a standardised norm, I think people
will think about it more and mean
it more when they do choose to marry,"
she says.
Unsurprisingly, she has received a
fair amount of flak from traditionalists
and outraged brides.
"A lot of people said, Oh, you just
need to meet the right man and you'll
change your mind', muses Nicky.
"Maybe I will. Maybe I'll do a sequel
in ten years' time, when I find myself
in a pinny living in a cottage with
an Aga. But I think it's unlikely."
Ball & Chain by Nicky Falkof
is published by Fusion Press at £10.99.
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