2011 - The Best And Worst Bits (From The Argus)

2011 - The Best And Worst Bits

8:30am Monday 19th December 2011 in Interview By Nione Meakin

As director and lead performer of satirical Brighton sketch group The Treason Show, Mark Brailsford has “the dubious pleasure” of analysing the news, trying not to get too depressed about it, then trying to make it funny. Ahead of the Treason Show’s That Was The Year That Was ’11, he takes a wry look at the past 12 months and gives The Magazine his personal highlights. The Treason Show’s That Was The Year That Was ’11 is on at the Pavilion Theatre, New Road, Brighton, from December 28-31. Early booking is strongly advised. Call 01273 709709.

* “Huge numbers of people were unable to leave the country because of strikes, huge numbers of people were unable to leave the country because of snow and people actually left the country because David Cameron and his glamorous assistant, Nicola Clegg, are running it. * We had a right Royal knees-up, where some balding posh bloke spent all our money on an expensive wedding. * Then of course we had the so-called Arab Spring, which sounds like a new brand of mineral water. Slogan: Arab Spring water, washes away all those nasty dictators and puts pure officials in their place (warning: may go flat after six months).

* The nuclear meltdown of a reactor in Fukishima took the world by complete surprise. Hmmm, a nuclear power station built on a coastline that sits on a tectonic fault on a low-lying island susceptible to tsunamis. What could possibly go wrong?

* The Treason Show lost a much-loved comedy character in a daring raid on a Pakistani compound next to a military base whose generals had “no idea” he was there. Rest in pieces Mr Bin Laden.

* The end of the world was due this year, twice, as the Reverend Harold Camping revised his prediction of Armageddon. He was reportedly very upset at the non-appearance of The Rapture so we at Treason Towers sent him a message of condolence: “Never mind Harold, it’s not the end of the world.” * The occupation of St Paul’s Cathedral set the clergy in a tizz with resignations and concerns that the presence of dope-smoking protestors has led to a shortage of communion wafers.

* Then of course the much- maligned young people of Britain finally roused themselves from their Xboxes and went a-rioting, ostensibly for a new pair of trainers and “stuff”. With our beloved bankers getting obscene bonuses, the rich getting richer at the expense of the poor, I can’t imagine why disaffected youth rose up and scared the bejesus out of the rest of us… but at least it led to a million pounds’ worth of improvements to the city of Croydon.

* 2011 witnessed the birth of the seven billionth person, who was probably born in a queue outside the maternity unit at the Royal Sussex County Hospital.

* Fans of Nick Clegg (both of them) pinned their hopes on a positive outcome for the referendum on the Alternative Vote, the outcome of which effectively doomed voting reform in this country for decades to come. This may be seen as good news for those who hope never to see the Lib Dems in power ever again (eg: the whole country).

* Three Pakistani cricketers were found guilty of match-fixing. Spoiler alert: If you don’t want to know the result of the 2012 County Championship, look away now.

* We lost the following people this year, which is a shame.

Amy Winehouse, Jimmy Saville, Ken Russell, Joe Frazier, Steve Jobs, Elisabeth Sladen from Dr Who and Liz Taylor. Sadly the list stopped short of Jeremy Clarkson, but there’s still a few days left of 2011!

* The Euro may be about to collapse but fortunately for Germany they have an alternative currency lined up. Since the Germans think that a return to the Deutschmark is old hat, they’ve decided to innovate with a brand new currency called the Hoff, named after the Knight Rider and Baywatch sex bomb who is still big in Germany.

Germans think it’s guaranteed to be inflation proof because, as they say in Berlin, there is only one Hoff.

* And of course the London Olympics is almost upon us, although I can’t see why we couldn’t have had it in Brighton and Hove (actually). We could have had football at the best stadium in the country (The Cathedral of Dreams, otherwise known as The Amex), the swimming and diving off the end of the pier, and Brighton would have surely clinched gold in the 100m protest and the road-digging marathon.

* Locally, our beloved Brighton and Hove Albion won the League One title just in time for the opening of the Cathedral of Dreams (see above) and Gus Poyet won the award for the best use of semaphore in a public space.

* And finally, my favourite news of 2011; Carol Vorderman and Anton de Beke were voted Rear Of The Year, scuppering my top tip for this much-coveted title – Nick Clegg. Ah well, there’s always next year"