Where were the eggings in this dull campaign?

And so comes the end of perhaps the dullest election campaign we’ve ever known.

No thrown punches, no eggings, not a single bit of grunge in sight.

Instead the most the baying public have had to feed off is a few stumbles, not least when Ed Miliband is heading stage left.

It’s been a battle of noise – with the tracks picked by the policy wonks with the artwork carefully crafted by the well-paid spin doctors.

For those who wanted a bit more oomph and maybe a knockout blow, they were left reaching for the phone to order the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight on pay per view.

It’s not like those taking part haven’t realised it.

Last week Prime Minister David Cameron appeared to have downed a pint of energy drink before telling the nation ‘I’m a passionate guy’.

But those on the front row being sprayed by sweat as the PM overworked his arms and facial muscles knew deep down it was all an act.

They knew there was more passion in a passionfruit yoghurt.

It was only when Dave did his best Neville Chamberlain impression by waving a piece of paper with a reminder from Labour that there was no money left that the public started to come round to his way of thinking.

Perhaps that’s because they were grateful for the waft of fresh air...

As for his direct opponent – the man known as Ed to his friends and Red Ed to his foes, perhaps because they’re after his blood – well, he’s had passion in abundance.

In between entertaining hen parties and chatting to film stars on YouTube, he had plenty of time to talk to the media.

“Do you think you can be Prime Minister?” “Hell yeah” was his response.

“Can we trust you to actually manage public finances?” “Hell yeah”.

“Do you take all your best soundbites from Whitesnake lyrics?” “Hell yeah”.

Fairness is the key plank to his argument, even if the response when he stumbled while walking off was hardly, ahem, fair.

The third man in all of this is Nick Clegg, and, as he looks to save his party from being wiped out, he remained Earnest Nick by admitting he truly is sorry.

Then there’s Nigel, a man who’s so British he’d drink red, white and blue ale if he could.

But even the usually steadfast leader of the UK Independence Party has wilted a little under the lights.

Rumours are he’s hiding underground in a corner of Essex and going to emerge on election day on a tank to get the vote out.

Whether he’ll park it on the Green outside Parliament we’ll just have to see.

And dare we forget the other players in all of this.

Nicola Sturgeon and Leanne Wood have given convincing performances for us all to up sticks and move to the bonny Highlands or the green, green valleys.

And then there’s Natalie Bennett, the Green leader, who, when she doesn’t have a mind freeze, actually does a decent job of delivering an alternative with her Aussie austerity.

Locally, the campaign has been equally stagnant.

Aside from Chancellor George Osborne spinning a few pizzas and Ed Balls going shopping in Morrisons, most of it has been sniping at the opposition.

I understand the stakes are high. But surely it’s better to focus on what you’re doing and doing it well rather than running down the opposition?

And with all the noise being made nationally, the fact there’s a local vote on at the same time has been forgotten by many.

Personally I’ve had more leaflets through from B&Q in the last six weeks than from politicians.

And aside from professional dealings, not a single candidate has come knocking on my door.

Actually, I’m quite glad.

That’s because I must be the only one who’s been given a little bit of time to get away from the election.

Everywhere else there’s been so much noise, most of it unlistenable.

And in the serenity I’ve actually been able to make sense of what I personally want.

So for that reason I urge you to take time out and turn down the dial on the election loudspeaker. After all, the soundtrack your choice will be playing on a loop for the next five years.