The Belle Vue Lower Kings Road, Brighton

Food **

Service **

Atmosphere *

"PUT some Britney on!”

The slurred shout comes from an off-duty waiter, who has just poured his friends a fresh round of drinks. The already deserted dining room is filled with a pregnant, ominous silence. Is the party over for Brighton’s most badly behaved bar staff?

Well, no. Swaggering like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, the hero of the hour produces from his pocket an ipod and before long Noughties pop fills the room.

The only other table of guests take this as their cue to skulk away. I abandon my cheesecake and quickly follow them. And so concludes one of the most surreal dining experiences the Gourmand has ever had.

It’s 8pm on a Saturday night in the self-proclaimed “newest and most exciting restaurant in Sussex”. Welcome to the i360’s Belle Vue restaurant.

To set the record straight, The Gourmand came to this review with high hopes. The man behind the menu, Steven Edwards of Masterchef Professionals fame, is arguably one of the most exciting young chefs in the county. So it was with keen anticipation that we called ahead to secure a booking.

This was, it turns out, not needed.

At 7pm on the bustling seafront, with thousands of well-off politicos in town for the Liberal Democrat conference, the city’s newest establishment is empty.

The waiters seem at a loss, forlornly polishing, then re-polishing the empty tables.

Perched high on a corner booth, we count just two other tables, all bunkering low over their menus. Safe to say there was no atmosphere, at least not a pleasant one.

And it’s here that we notice just how confusing, or rather confused, the Belle Vue is.

The design, a gleaming mess of stainless steel and distressed concrete, seems to amplify the silence. The central bar space is a towering, phallic tribute to sparkling, glittering beverages stacked high to the ceiling.

But then we spot the trays of sauces and condiments lining the wall like a National Trust tea room. Our cutlery is laid out next to our plastic menus and paper napkins. The Gourmand’s cocktail – a boozy mix of gin, peach and ginger beer – is named after the corporate sponsor, yet comes served in a hipster jam jar.

This isn’t a tale of two parts – it’s three or four. The Belle Vue is trying to be everything for everyone and not hitting the mark on any.

The long menu is equally muddled, with dishes travelling across continents and cuisines. The specials board is absent.

There is however, an additional note dedicated to one dish alone. The Stephen Edwards’ Etch Experience – The Gourmand’s interest is piqued and quickly flattened. The experience it turns out is a £20 burger. It’s paired with a cider – not optional it turns out. The Gourmand is not accustomed to being told what to drink, so I steer well clear. The service, despite the raucous guests who join us later on, was actually quite good. Our waiter was friendly and attentive and while they certainly weren’t over stretched, meals were well timed.

For starters we had the ham croquettes served with a pea puree. Like a tribute act to restaurant clichés it comes served on slate – unnecessary and unloved – and I’m left underwhelmed. The puree is a little grainy, the ham needed a decent kick of seasoning.

The summer squash gnocchi has the look of a dish left sitting at the pass a little too long, the radioactive yellow sauce congealing over the tepid balls of potato pasta. The toasted pine nuts and broccoli were lovely, but the parmesan tuile was thick and chewy.

On to the mains and things start to fall apart. The buttermilk chicken looks like it had spent the better part of the night at the bottom of the deep fat fryer. The smoky beans taste like passata and little else. The other sides – celeriac slaw, charred corncob - are nice but limited, towered over by the hulking mess of fried, greasy poultry. The carcass sits between us like the elephant in the room when the waiter takes our plates.

The Bolney pork belly is sticky and meaty but again the balance is off. The huge portion of fatty meat needs some herbivorous respite, but the cheffy smear of cauliflower puree and a sprinkling of charred courgettes and broad beans are gone after a few mouthfuls and I’m left alone to battle the piggy menace.

Desserts aren’t really worth the time of day. The Gourmand opted for the chocolate tart only to be told it had sold out. I’m not sure who had ordered it given that there were just three other tables. The lemon sherbet tart was tooth-achingly sweet, while the strawberry cheesecake and rose meringues was like something you’d find at the bottom of my nan’s knicker drawer – terrifyingly pink and unbearably floral.

It was about this time that our friend, the off-duty waiter, swaggered towards the bar to fetch some more drinks.The Gourmand took it as a sign to leave. It’s safe to say, I won’t be going back.

Brighton BAi360 Sling – £9.50

Heineken pint – £4.25

Ham croquettes, pea puree – £4.75

Summer squash gnocchi, toasted pine nuts, sprouting broccoli – £7.50

Brined and buttermilk marinated corn fed chicken, celeriac slaw, charred corncob, smoky beans – £13.95

Bolney pork belly, crackling, smoked cauliflower puree, charred courgettes and broad beans – £14.25

Candied lemon sherbet tart, thyme crumble – £6.50

Strawberry cheesecake, rose meringues, strawberry ice cream – £6.50