Hands up who wants to see Joanna Lumley go down the Nile in a four part series?

Hands up who’d rather go themselves?

Yeah, I thought so.

What’s occurring? Why do tv producers seem to believe that: a) The rich and famous need a holiday and b) we will enjoy watching them having one?

Aside from Joanna gliding through Africa like a fragrant heron, this week we also have Jamie Oliver slapping a whole heap of stuff on expenses and getting to jolly around Europe for our supposed viewing pleasure. Surely Joanna and Jamie can afford to do this sort of thing in their spare time? Surely they do? Why do they get paid to mess about on boats and host exotic impromptu barbecues?

And then there’s the Parent Trip, which in the first episode saw Abby Clancy having a gap week in India, and this Thursday features…Jambo from Hollyoaks. JAMBO FROM HOLLYOAKS! Farming orangutans in Borneo with his dad. Something that only a privileged few will ever get to experience. Based on his body of work to date, Jambo does not deserve this privilege.

I’d much prefer it if it were only Jambo’s dad going on this trip. A nice, ordinary bloke, with the kind of salary that will only ever allow him a week or two in Tenerife. Why don’t the general public ever get a shot at this stuff? They’d be just as keen and doubtless a great deal more entertaining.

Instead of Joanna Lumley’s Nile, how about Darren from Peterborough? Watch Darren gagging on the fresh goat milk yoghurt a strange and withered old lady will not allow him to refuse. Or hacking through the ‘most incredible jungle’ to reach the source of the Nile, where he’ll squat down and have a well-deserved fag.

Forget Jamie does Morocco, how about Margaret? Margaret, who will rustle up a Bakewell tagine. Who will faint when asked to select a live chicken for slaughter. Who will marry a local and refuse to come back home.

And as for the Parent Trip…I’ll do that. My mum, she’s mad. She’s got the prescriptions to prove it. We’ll bicker and sob. We’ll reach out and touch the squinting natives. We’ll do anything you like if it’ll get us two free weeks in Asia. Well, unless that anything is having Jambo tag along.