Now that the Easter Bank Holiday weekend is behind us, we’ll be straight on to mass preparation for the next public event, namely the Diamond Jubilee Weekend on 2-5 June. As with the Royal Wedding last year, I’ll be out of the country for this event - my absence pleases me immensely! Hence, I can enjoy being free of work tasks from the UK for two whole weekdays (the double bank holiday on June 3-4), while also missing the profusion of pomp, hype and plastic tat being waved around.

These days, being ‘into’ any public occasion or seasonal event in the UK (and America), from Halloween to the Diamond Jubilee, involves a vast range of cheaply-produced memorabilia, made in China, that we could really do without. Not that I have anything against China - it’s not specifically the fault of a manufacturing superpower. There’s clearly strong demand for the several thousand tonnes of plastic nonsense exported for UK citizens to buy. What came first: the chicken or the egg; the plastic goods or the urge to buy them?

Following on from the tat-o-rama of the Royal Wedding, the Jubilee is no exception to the rule. I’ve never been much of a flag-waver. The thought of standing around in a back garden or, worse still, on the street waving a flag made in China for two cents but costing £1 here, fills me with dread. Plus there may be torrential rain and/or gale-force winds to blow the cheap flags away, bearing in mind the unreliable British Summer.

And do people really consider what they are waving a flag to support anyway? In an era of declining popularity of the Royal Family - whose main role these days involves the tourism industry and charity fundraising - are people really commemorating the Queen being the longest-reigning British monarch, celebrating Britishness itself (I vow to thee my country), or do they simply head into the nearest souvenir shop and empty their purses because “a trinket might be fun” or it’s what they think they should do?

This Morning recently featured a range of Jubilee memorabilia including solar queens, rose bowls, china ornaments, emblem boxes – most of which had no sense of humour whatsoever. Do we really have to take it all so seriously? How can people take a sequinned Union Jack skirt seriously? What about jubilee underwear and panties, easily available on the internet?

A trip into Primark quickly demonstrated that the memorabilia has descended into utter tack, with Jubilee garments that will no doubt be appearing on the promenade in Benidorm this summer. I guess some of the Brits abroad will be taking off their shirts to show their lovely Union Jack tattoos as well..?

Marks & Spencer, a bastion of Great Britishness in its own right, surprisingly has a range of Jubilee / summer 2012 memorabilia that’s quirky, amusing and treading the line between kitsch and commemorative. In places, it is bordering on irreverent. Product lines include funky cushions featuring prints of crowns, corgis, corgis wearing crowns, a Union Jack bulldog door stop, picnic baskets, croquet sets, rounders bats, crazy golf kits, etc. These products remind you of growing up in Britain, instead of reminding you to wave a flag made in China (although, undoubtedly, the M&S products are made there as well). I could go along with a celebration of picnics and crazy golf on the lawn… just about, bearing in mind the likelihood of inclement weather.

When I used to live in Rottingdean, I witnessed at first-hand the preparations for the village fete that coincided every year with Gay Pride in Brighton. (I could never figure out if the date clash was deliberate: it seemed entirely plausible that it was!) On one notable occasion, someone draped Union Jack bunting on the front of my house without permission. I didn’t track ‘em down to complain but I didn’t want it there either. I don’t object to anyone’s personal beliefs and predilections (within reason!) but having ‘em shoved down your throat is just too much.

Perhaps you think I’m a misery guts, which is why it’s a good thing that I’ll be out of the country at the start of June!

I believe that renowned Brighton-based artist, Jacqueline Hammond, has the right idea with her portrait of the Queen picking her nose. My Mother strongly disapproves of the portrait, entitled Queenie - a Private Moment, which has wide appeal amongst those who don’t want to buy an emblem box or wave flags in the street. It will soon be printed on to mugs, providing an alternative type of commemorative gift option.

Well, enjoy the run-up to the Jubilee (this will no doubt go on for weeks) and the event itself – in your own inimitable way. I’ll be enjoying it in my own way: as they would say in Shrek 2, in the Kingdom of Far Far Away.

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