Last week, my teenage children came home from school sniggering because they had been given a talk in a PSE lesson by a group called Talking Testicles.

Just the very mention of a word describing that part of the body – my youngest son used to call it his ‘private’, in the singular – caused gales of smutty laughter and much snorting.

My daughter also got a lesson on chlamydia, the most commonly sexually transmitted infection, which if left untreated can cause infertility or fertility problems in both men and women. The lesson included details on how the infection is passed on and also a physical test for everyone in the class to find out if any of them had it. This involved them visiting the loos for the boys to produce a urine sample and the girls to take an intimate sample involving a swab.

This, to me, is taking it all a bit far. Yes, these are children aged 15 who are approaching their 16th birthdays, the age of consent for sexual activity, and I’m well aware that many 15-year-olds are already sexually active.

But I’m a bit horrified that my daughter was asked (she refused) to carry out this test at school, without my knowledge or consent. Is this now normal? It is, and of course it’s an attempt to curb the prevalence of the infection, which affected more than 200,000 people in 2012, 64% of whom were under the age of 25.

But the way the information is imparted to teenagers is all so horribly clinical. Ever watched the teen movie Mean Girls? There’s a scene in which a visibly embarrassed male gym teacher takes a PSE class on chlamydia: “Don't have sex because you WILL catch chlamydia and you WILL die!” It’s brutal but it’s to the point. That’s why it’s so funny.

But, seriously, they might as well just say that to teenagers at school and leave it at that because the message that’s coming across loud and clear is: you’re going to have sex and it’s going to lead to bad things.

Perhaps it’s my age but where the hell has all the romance gone? How can schools that only teach their pupils the mechanics of sex ever expect them to want to make love – or even know how to? My daughter told me that in four years of secondary school PSE education, the word love has been mentioned once.

The teacher put the word ‘sex’ up on the whiteboard and asked the class to write down all the words they associated with it. The results were shocking.

Not one pupil had written the word ‘love’ and the teacher asked them why.

The obvious answer that came back was that none of them associated the word ‘sex’ with love.

I find that incredibly sad. Sad because I don’t associate teenagers with romance any more. Where can they find it?

Music is all about the harsh realities of life with rappers referencing hoes and bitches in their lyrics and Robin Thicke singing “But you're an animal, baby it’s in your nature, Just let me liberate you”. Social media is full of crude sexual references and abusers faking adolescent romance to lure teenage girls into something sexually seedy, and now romance is notably absent in lessons at school about relationships.

Can you imagine any teenage romance flourishing in schools where 15-year-old boys and girls are asked to be tested for STIs? Eyes meeting over a urine sample?

Secret glances over a fake penis they’re asked to fit a condom on to? Fluttering eyelashes during a discussion about sexting or online porn?

It’s unlikely to happen. I fear the internet has killed romance dead and we will live to regret it.

Teachers must learn grammar too

Former teacher Sarah Smith, who got a degree in English literature at Sussex University, was corrected by an irate parent when she told him at a parents’ evening: “Me and the headmistress are doing all we can to improve standards.”

Of course, it should have been “The headmistress and I...” but, as Sarah has confessed, she wasn’t taught grammar at school.

The Government plans to introduce a bigger emphasis on grammar in the new school curriculum to improve standards so this is a huge problem for the education system, because Sarah isn’t alone.

Alice Phillips, president of the Girls’ School Association, introduced a grammar course for 11-year-old pupils at her private school in Surrey but discovered some of her staff were unable to teach it.

“Many of our brightest, most enthusiastic teachers have little or no grounding in English grammar,” she said.

So the teachers themselves need lessons on grammar before they can teach it correctly to pupils. They can start with correcting spelling and punctuation mistakes in pupils’ workbooks every time they occur without fear their pupils’ confidence will be dented. It is dented far more profoundly when pupils are sent out into the world unable to use their own language competently.

Here's to the union

As I made my way downstairs on Friday to discover the result of the Scottish referendum, I was surprisingly emotional.

I actually held my breath until I knew it was a no and the relief was enormous. Scotland is just about the furthest part of Britain to us here in Brighton and Hove, but it is still part of my country.

I understand why just under half of its population wants change – after all, we would object to decisions about our lives down here in the south being made in Edinburgh – but I also understand why more than half decided it's better the devil you know. Change can be frightening, especially if you fear that the unknown might be worse than the status quo. All the same, I hope Scotland gets most of what it wants.