Handcuffs, binoculars and Cliff Richard. They have all played a role in the events of the past week, but not thankfully all at the same time.

Let’s start with the binoculars. There was once a time when I sat in a ramshackle hut watching birds through said optical magnification device for school projects.

I was very interested in ornithology, in fact I still am. I enjoy spotting birds in the garden who have been enticed in by a fat-ball or some wild bird seed. Nothing like the satisfaction of spotting a goldfinch, a crested tit or a garden warbler.

My binoculars have recently resurfaced and I have been keen to reacquaint myself with bird species.

My bedroom window has a lovely view out towards Bliss Mill in Chipping Norton and I was simply taking advantage of this very landscape, sat in my bedroom staring through my binoculars, when a fellow local resident spotted me from the road below.

I witnessed the surprise on their face (in close-up aided by the magnification). I fear it may now be assumed that I have voyeuristic tendencies or maybe that I’m working for MI5, but I was simply on Great Tit watch.

  •  My mother has been staying with her cousins Anne and Kathleen in Southampton this week.

They have been tracing their ancestors recently wanting to unearth family secrets and piece together their sketchy knowledge of ancestral debauchery. Much time has been passed touring cemeteries, reading gravestones and stoking their passion for social history.

Whilst working on another branch of their family tree they ventured into an antiques shop. Whilst rummaging through some secondhand dusty old artifacts she picked up a pair of very old, heavy iron metal fetters. Mother curiously placed them around her own wrists and clunk click they were firmly on. She asked the shop owner for the key.

He didn’t have the key. This quickly became a most embarrassing situation: three elderly women, one of whom was tightly bound in a pair of cuffs (circa 1876). Never mind Fifty Shades Of Grey, this was fifty shades of grandma!

My restrained mother was frogmarched to the local police station flanked by her cousins, (Anne 75, Kathleen 87) and a disgruntled shop owner. They cuffs were successfully removed and she is now their proud owner.

  •  There are times when I could think of nothing worse than a Cliff Richard tune.

I can think of no worse time for my phone to have a malfunction than whilst in earshot of a group of youths.

Having been listening to the radio via my phone on a docking station I placed it in my pocket to pop into Chipping Norton town centre by foot.

As I passed the youngsters my mobile device blasted out Cliff’s Living Doll. It was a random and unexplained attack and I can’t help thinking it was Cliff’s retribution for me not buying his calendar... ever.