While congratulating Gareth Southgate on England’s uplifting World Cup adventure, I must report that my Albion match day chauffeur Jack, an occasional column contributor, has added his twopennyworth again.

Regular readers will know I banned him from using MY computer, but he’s somehow acquired another one and forwarded me this: from jack@gofer the chauffeur.com.

to: garethsouthgate@waistcoats “R” us.co.uk, Monday.

Hello Garth, This is Lord Peter Brackley’s Albion chauffeur-lackey Jack, who I’m sure you remember from Euro 96. It was me who ran on the pitch to get you to sign my photo album just after you missed your penalty, but you seemed a bit pre-occupied. You’re probably wondering why I haven’t been in touch during the World Cup but I’ve been on holiday, long-range telescoping on Hayling Island and mountaineering on Love Island (or the other way round).

I got back Saturday and saw the Belgium game in the pub but didn’t realise till later that it wasn’t actually the final as they had the sound off. I’d just thought perhaps we didn’t mind losing as we’d already beaten them at cricket.

Anyway, I’m e-mailing to invite you and the squad to my Sussex caravan next Saturday for a celebration knees up. I know you don’t want parades, but I’m sure you won’t mind a conga round the cabbage patch and maybe some waistcoat Morris dancing.

I didn’t see much of England, but gather everyone got excited after you scored sixteen or something against Pan Am. Dick Knight opened up an Amex spin off “Dick’s Tsar” in Moscow and, of course, Baddiel and Skinner have raked in millions again for that annoying song from 20 years ago. Chris Waddle and Glenn Hoddle also wanted to relaunch their “Diamond Lights” duet from the 80s till someone pointed out they only sold two copies first time.

His Lordship’s filled me in on World Cup gossip. Apparently, the Spanish were still passing the ball sideways to each other at the customs desk back in Madrid and the Germans have taken up rugby. Argentina are changing their name to Sunderland and Diego Maradona is blaming the “Handbrake of God” for letting his FIFA limousine roll backwards into a restaurant window. Seems the Russians brought a defender out of retirement at 62 who moved slower than Yuri Gagarin’s monument. Although, suspiciously, the rest of the team actually ran around so much, fans compared them with their champion pole vaulter, who doesn’t need a pole. So, see you Saturday.

Best, Chauffeur Jack.

from: gareth@waistcoats “R” us.co.uk, Monday

Dear Jack, Yes, of course, I remember you from 96, I am so sorry I couldn’t sign your album after my miss, but I’m afraid I didn’t have a pen on me during the shootout. My squad and I will be honoured to attend your party next weekend.

Many thanks, Gareth Southgate, England manager.

from: jack@goferthe chauffeur.com Wednesday

Garth, Forget it, my bad, I got the date wrong. It was LAST weekend.

See you at the Amex soon - let me know which England players you’re dropping for Dunk, Stephens, Murray and March.

Cheers, Chauffeur Jack