Jeremy Hardy answers The Guide's big comedy questions.

What were you most scared of as a child? The Cybermen.

What is the funniest thing you’ve ever seen or heard? A chimpanzee in Dublin Zoo, trying to put a plastic bag on as though it was a jumper.

What would people be most surprised to learn about you? That I was involved in the Kennedy assassination.

What would you be doing if you weren’t a comic? Foraging in bins.

What’s your biggest regret? Having “Je ne regrette rien” tattooed on my left buttock.

What’s your solution for world peace? Tea tree oil, it works for everything else, and can’t be used as fuel, so no one fights over it.

What’s your worst habit? Biting other people’s nails.

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had and how did you get it? A paper cut. From paper.

What would you change about yourself if you could? My spine, I’d have a plastic replacement one.

What’s the greatest thing money can’t buy and the greatest thing it can? The greatest thing money can’t buy is a decent cup of tea in Italy.. The greatest thing money can buy is happiness.

Can you sum up your latest show in 25 words? A man comes onstage, talks for a bit, goes off for twenty minutes, comes back on, talks more and goes off again. It is me.

How do you keep the show fresh when performing night after night? I have a very poor memory.