The secret of long-lasting love

In the run up to Valentine's Day, we spoke to three local couples who've celebrated their Ruby, Golden and Diamond wedding anniversaries to find out what it takes to enjoy a long and happy marriage.

60 years

John Blackman, 84 and his wife Lilias, 83, from Saltdean celebrated their Diamond wedding anniversary last year. They met in 1942. Lilias, who was 19 at the time, was in the Wrens and John was in the Navy.

"I was a cook and I served him his dinner the night he arrived," she recalls. "My first thought was that he seemed like a nice person.

"We used to get some real rough types back then so to have someone who said please and thank-you was quite a novelty.

"I think his mother had brought him up properly. He had a lot of hair then as well. I remember asking him to dance one night and he said he couldn't. I wasn't going to risk my little feet with his clumsy boots so we just talked."

According to John, the exact conversation is "shrouded in the mists of antiquity".

"She grumbled at me. I can't remember what," he muses. "I mentioned it was my birthday and the next thing I knew there was a birthday card from Lilias."

They only had a few weeks together before John was posted to the Far East, serving as a deck petty officer on a wartime destroyer. They were apart for two years but remained close friends and kept in touch, writing letters once a week.

"I did miss him," says Lilias. "But I knew where he was and he knew where I was so it wasn't a problem."

As soon as John came back he proposed.

"I think we were on top of a cliff in Lewes at the time and no, I didn't threaten to throw her off. I was nervous. Marriage is a pretty awful thing for a man, you don't know what you're taking on."

According to John, Lilias gave a "hesitant" yes and the rest is history.

They got married in 1946 in a small Scottish village in Lanarkshire, where Lilias is from.

Her wedding dress white with long sleeves was 28 years old and had been handed down through the family.

"I was horrified years later to find that my wife had paid for the whole wedding," says John.

"I didn't think to ask at the time."

They lived in Waltham Close, just outside Portsmouth before moving to Brighton in 1947, where John ran a printing firm in Hollingdean, helped by Lilias.

He was a Tory councillor for many years in Brighton and Hove and went on to become mayor in 1984 and 1985. They have one son, three grandchildren and six great-grandchildren.

John sums up their married life as "perfect" and struggles to come up with anything about Lilias he'd like to change.

"We don't look for chinks in armour," he says. "The secret to a good marriage is to look for the best in each other, not the worst." Although he's never shown an interest in boiling an egg or washing up ("I've put the kettle on once"), he hasn't been held to account.

"He's had a cup of tea in bed every morning since we got married," says Lilias.

"I get up at four o'clock every morning. I say to him, all you have to do is put the tea bag in,' but he never moves.

"We both get on, we've always got on. I love him, he loves me and that's all that matters."

John has the same thoughts about Lilias. He describes their relationship as "a mutual gravitation of kindred souls".

"There weren't any heavy overtones of candlelight or war songs," he says. "It was just a magnetic attraction."

While he may joke on about marriage being a life sentence for men, he believes it's as important today as ever, suggesting a lot of couples perhaps aren't being true to themselves by choosing to live together.

"I think most women would prefer to be married deep down in their hearts, especially with all the pressures they have on them today." he says.

"That's not to say a man can't enjoy a stable married life too. Lilias has given me stability, supported my ambition and been a wonderful friend as well as a devoted wife.

"A lot of men would give their high teeth for the life I have had and it's all been made possible by having a good woman behind me."

50 years

Doug Smith, 76 and his wife Pam, 73, from Burgess Hill, have been married more than 50 years. Pam's father used to run a youth club in South London which is where they met in 1948.

Doug, who was 18 and playing snooker at the time, remembers it well. "Our eyes suddenly met across the snooker table," he says. "She was quite a stunner. All the boys were after her but fortunately she only had eyes for me.

"We had a lot in common, we both liked table tennis and were interested in youth work and we struck a chord straight away."

While Pam remembers being attracted to Doug's dark wavy hair and chiseled good looks, she has a slightly different version of events. "I thought he was a bit of a country bumpkin when we first met," she confesses.

"I was a London girl and although he was a London boy, he seemed different from the rest.

"We hit it off quite quickly. He didn't seem quite as pushy as the local boys."

She can even recall the actual date they started courting May 3, 1948 when they went to see Easter Parade at the Plaza in Catford.

Three years later he proposed. "We were on the top deck of a tram at the time," he recalls. "On our way to the cinema. Pam said yes. The hardest part was trying to convince our parents. They tried to tell us we were too young." Doug was 21 and Pam was just 18 at the time and her father immediately tried to talk them out of it. Doug had been called up to do military service in Egypt and their parents wanted them to wait.

"My father put his foot down and said we couldn't get married," says Pam.

"He'd seen lots of people get married and the chap go away and not come back. He said to me, if you still feel the same when he comes back, you can get married then'. So we did."

They were apart for 18 months but kept in touch by letter. They wanted to get married in Coronation year, so when Doug came home they tied the knot at St George's Church, Catford on Boxing Day, December 26,1953.

They moved to Brighton in 1954 and have had five children and 10 grandchildren.

According to Doug, it's all about give and take. "My wife's an expert cook. I'm the chauffeur and chief washer upper," he says. "She can't drive so I chauffeur her around where ever she wants to go."

Pam says the key is to never go to sleep on an argument. "You've got to see the other person's point of view, you can't always be right," she observes.

"Apart from his snoring I have to put my fingers in my ears some nights there's nothing I'd change about him. It's chemistry, just something that clicks."

Since their children have grown up they have travelled together to Hong Kong, Singapore, Thailand, Greece, Spain and America. This is something they've had to work for, having had very little at the start.

"We didn't have a car, telephone or a TV when we got married," says Doug.

"We had to save for everything. Young people these days seem to have a lot more and I think that's the problem. It's important not to put too much emphasis on material things. You've got to believe in and love each other, rather than the things you've got."

He claims marriage is as important today as ever, giving people a purpose in life and something to strive for. "We might be old-fashioned but we put great faith in it. I don't think children should be brought into a world without marriage."

Asked how he knew in 1948 that they'd be together for so long, he says: "It was a natural chemistry between two people we've got the same outlook on life and vision for the future.

"We've been blessed."

40 years

Gill Dicker, 59, and her husband Tony, 63, celebrated their Ruby wedding anniversary two years ago. Her best friend was going out with his friend and that's how they met.

Gill, who was 17 when she met Tony, remembers their first encounter as if it was yesterday.

"He had a mop of black hair, winkle-pickers and a quiff a bit like Cliff Richard's," she says.

"He had a black leather jacket and a black Hillman Minx car which was also quite unusual in those days. I remember that he was easy to talk to."

Tony can also recall the moment he first clapped eyes on Gill. "She had long blonde hair and was very slim. She was going out with someone else at the time, but I was fortunate enough to know her brother and he told her to give me a try instead."

They went on a few dates dancing up The Regent in Queen's Road and going to coffee shops in The Lanes. A year later Tony popped the question. Gill says: "When he first proposed I said, Don't be stupid - ask me again when you're serious.'

"So he waited half an hour and asked me again." They got engaged and were married at St John's Church, Preston, on December 10, 1966. They have two children and three grandchildren.

While her indecisiveness has almost driven him to distraction at times, Tony was in no doubt that Gill was right for him: "She was different to all the other girls. You just know when all of a sudden someone special comes along," he says.

Apart from his smoking and spending too long on the computer, Gill has few complaints either. "He does nothing indoors - a little bit of DIY now and then but very little," she says. "I get fed up of waiting and end up doing the decorating myself.

"We've had our ups and downs but we've worked through them. I was quite poorly recently and Tony was really supportive and helped me through it. I think it's important to find someone who is going to stand by you through the bad times as well as the good."

Tony agrees: "There have been times when she's been down and I've stood by her and times when I've been down and she's stood by me. You just have to keep working through it and try and understand each other's problems. It's too easy to get a divorce these days. If you really care for someone, it's never going to be a bed of roses but it's worth it."

Gill believes their marriage has worked because they've spent a lot of time together, whether it's walking the dogs or being involved with the local football team - the Hollingbury Hawks - when their son was young (Doug was manager and Gill washed the kit).

More recently they've found the time to travel to America, Canada and Hawaii.

Asked why he thinks their marriage has survived, Tony says: "It's because we're a little bit opposite. She's indecisive, I'm very positive, she'll stand back and let things happen whereas I'm like a bull in a china shop. If we were too similar I don't think it would have worked so well."

While Gill is in favour of couples living together, she feels marriage is important for children.

The key to a long happy marriage, she says, is not leaving the house without saying goodbye and not taking each other for granted.

What do you think is the secret to a long-lasting marriage? Add your comments below.