A BRIGHTON comedian has weighed in to the Palace Pier debate by offering his suggestions for new attractions.

The attraction was sold to new owners Eclectic Bar Group Plc for £18 million last Friday and Luke Johnson, the group’s executive chairman, has been fielding questions ever since about his plans for the structure.

Comic Phil Lucas (PL) believes a complete revamp with some left-field attractions is the way to go, and spoke exclusively to The Argus about each of his ideas on The Phil Lucas Land Extension of Pleasure in an interview with senior reporter Gareth Davies (GD).

GD: Let’s just go through each individual attraction and you can tell me the thinking behind it. We’ll go from the start, and the Village of Ants.

PL: I’ve just always wanted one and I feel like people would benefit from seeing a whole village of ants, so I wanted that in.

GD: I think this is my favourite, the Statue of a Stapler.

PL: They’re usually seen as quite boring, aren’t they, so I thought it would be nice for the stapler but it almost didn’t make the cut.

GD: Now, next up is something that’s died out and I’ve probably lost five days of my life to Ceefax, but you want to see a return?

PL:  Definitely. You just don’t get it any more so it’d be nice to see the best pages return with the classic music to accompany it.

GD: Then we come to the Small Replica of the i360 – is that going to be edible? Presumably not because the seagulls would have a field day and you’d have to keep replacing it.

PL: Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be edible because of the seagulls, so it’d be fibreglass.

GD: The Salvaged Section of the Admiral Graf Spee?

PL: Who wouldn’t want that?

GD: Then you’ve got The One Show Experience, now is this going to be Alex Jones and Chris Evans or are you going for lookalikes?

PL: I’d be hopeful of the real deal for the opening and then we’d get out of work actors in Brighton and Hove. They’d guide audiences through how they jump from the really exciting to the completely mundane in true The One Show fashion.

GD: Ralf Little’s Filthy Bingo is a favourite in the office, and I’ve not seen Ralf doing much with Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps and The Royle Family no longer on, so presumably you’re hopeful he’d be keen for it?

PL: Definitely. It’s an idea I’ve had for so long that Ralf Little runs this dirty bingo like Fight Club where you can only do it there, I was going to put poster around town.

GD: The Stuffed Dog – what breed is that?

PL: It would be a taxidermy Labrador, bolted down, but open to petting and stroking – one for the kids.

GD: Talk me through your thinking for the School of Table Manners.

PL: There’s just not enough table manners these days with people using the wrong knives and fork, elbows on tables, so I’m hoping a former maitre dee from the Savoy would be keen for that.

GD: The HQ of Morphy Richards, there’s been a lot of talk about the pier’s name, is there not a risk that they’ll want naming rights?

PL: The thing is, I think it’s important we have a big name on the pier to bring employment and make sure it’s busy and they might be interested in naming rights, which I’d have no problem with. Morphy Richards make great products.

GD: Nuns Ice Skating – I assume they’re up for it and with the ice rink, you answer the cries for a permanent ice rink in the city.

PL: Who wouldn’t want to watch that – the nuns will be on board and it kills two birds with one stone because of the petition for an ice rink in the city.

GD: The 24-hour Boot Fair – what’s the inspiration?

PL: Imagine being able to go to a car boot sale any time you wanted to – that’s the dream.

GD: I’m interested in the Buckaroo with Real Horses.

PL: I’m sure everyone would love it, apart from those against animal cruelty, to see how much weight you can put on a horse.

GD: The Fibreglass White Cliffs of Dover – does that need any further explanation?

PL: Not really, they’re iconic, aren’t they.

GD: Now, I see Aldi and the Tethered Airship are attached, do they come as a pair?

PL: They come as a pair and I deliberately designed the Aldi in an ornate way to replicate the top of the White House and you’d be able to see the airship for miles.

GD: And finally you have Hovercraft Rides with Ray Slijngaard from 2 Unlimited – talk me through that attraction.

PL: You go out with Ray, he opens it up and gets up a bit of speed and then passengers can ask him all sorts of questions and he’s actually a very accomplished hovercraft pilot.

GD: Let’s at least cover one serious question – what have you made of the reaction to the sale of the pier?

PL: It’s gone mad. It’s a weird one because I can sort of see Julian Caddy’s points but probably his choice of words wasn’t’ the best. But I like the pier and if everything gets homogenised then it can get a bit dull, you want it to be a bit carry on.