The New Forest has its ups and it downs, too

We decided we needed some quality “us” time so the three of us spent a few nights in the New Forest.

First and foremost, all you want when you get on the staycation train, is for the UK to behave itself and stay dry.

Which it did, for the most part, Monday being the only wet one of the bunch.

However, the idyllic notion of a family holiday in the country does not usually play out as you stupidly, imagine it will.

Or any family holiday for that matter.

We drove down on Monday morning, wondering how we would occupy ourselves as it was, indeed, tanking it down.

So we did what all self-respecting parents do when they lack imagination and went to a local attraction, parting with what felt like an unfeasibly large amount of cash for not much return.

I will not name and shame, but suffice to say it did not really push my buttons.

This is entirely my own fault as cars and anything to do with the history of motoring bores me to tears.

OK, that was a tiny clue, but even my husband and son, who are self-confessed petrol-heads, only stayed interested for about an hour and we spent some of that in the gift shop.

Chuck lunch into the equation and we had spent almost our weekly food bill.

Lesson learned, we scurried to our cottage, tail between our legs, vowing to cook every night rather than eat out.

Tuesday we spent even more money at a theme park, but we had long since planned and budgeted for that one... and, of course, took a lovingly made packed lunch.

Yum…stinky, squished egg sandwiches and a banana that had turned black in the bottom of the bag. We know how to live.

I spent the day sitting on benches, looking after bags and coats as I am a spectacular wuss when it comes to rollercoasters and the like.

In fact I am of the opinion that “non-riders” should be given a hefty discount on their entry ticket.

Failing that, we should at least be provided with sofas, blankets and bottomless hot drinks at the park’s kiosks.

I must send an email.

Day three, on the verge of having to re-mortgage, we decided it was time for a wholesome family bike ride through the forest, taking in nature at its best.

It will be just lovely, we proclaimed.

Our son loves riding his bike, he did a six-mile round trip last weekend, he will just adore the forest cycle tracks, right? Nope. He was a total mess within 500 yards.

He may well have cycled six miles from West Hove to Brighton and back, but there are no hills on the seafront.

What we had not accounted for was how undulating the forest can be and his little legs could not cope at all. We ended up bribing him like a pet dog with snacks, giving him little titbits every ten minutes to keep him motivated.

Then someone else started moaning they needed a wee, but refused to use the facilities nature had provided. Oh yes, that would be me.

I was just not willing to risk returning to civilisation with a wet patch, OK?

So by now, two of us are whinging and my husband is on the verge of some sort of mini bike-related breakdown as he tried to keep it all together.

Somehow we managed five whole miles of intermittent huffing, sulking, crying and “are we there yet?” before we gave in and parked our bikes.

Admittedly the last mile saw my husband pushing both his and my son’s bike and me pushing my own bike with our six-year-old perched on my saddle.

Obviously that was the mile he enjoyed the most, lording it up while his minion put in the hard graft. But we made it back in one piece, albeit a trio of mud-covered quivering wrecks.

There was nothing else for it but to find the nearest café and load ourselves up with sugar.

On the last day, we swung into Lymington, a little coastal town on the edge of the New Forest, in case you are unfamiliar.

All was well until I suggested a look round the shops.

You would have thought I had asked them both to can-can naked through Churchill Square, such was the look of horror on their faces.

They managed about three shops before the tantrums started, and that was just my husband. So thank you half-term, it has been interesting, but of course, I would not change a single moment for all the world.