Brighton mum on making Mother's Day Cards for bereaved parents

For the second year running the 23-year-old from Brighton has written the words for a new collection of Mother’s Day cards for mums who, like her, lost a baby too soon. Hannah’s cards are now being sold through Thortful Cards, with the all profits raised going to stillbirth and pregnancy charity Kicks Count.

Here she bravely shares her story

My name is Hannah Pontillo. I’m from Brighton. I’m 23, married, and I had a son.

On January 1 I was 36 weeks and five days pregnant. I woke up at 4am to have a wee and when I got back to bed my son was kicking me like crazy and for some reason I just laid there with my hand on my stomach feeling each and every one of his movements and thinking by the end of this month my little family will be complete and I have no idea what I am in for and I was scared.

When I woke up at 10am I felt no movements. I tried drinking lemonade, laying on my left side, doing star jumps, having a shower, and yet nothing made my baby move.

Me and my husband Phil decided it was time to call the hospital. We both knew something wasn’t right. When we arrived they couldn’t find his heartbeat so they called a senior doctor down to do an ultrasound to see if they could. When she arrived she had three student doctors with her. She set everything up and there it was.

My beautiful little boy on the screen with no heartbeat. ”I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat” she said. I can’t ever forget her voice when she told us, she had tears rolling down her face and I just looked at Phil and I knew that our family wasn’t going to be how I imagined a few hours earlier.

There is not a way I can describe how I felt about my son dying. I felt guilty for every time I moaned about being pregnant, how much I just wanted him to be here as soon as possible and I didn’t mind if he was a little early. I felt guilty for not being able to keep my son safe.

Every second from this moment on felt like for ever. Another doctor came in and scanned me to confirm my baby’s death. They then did the whole “I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat” speech again.

What happens next?

I went home, I cried uncontrollably and lay in bed completely numb. Around 12 to 24 hours later I had to go back to the hospital to give birth. It wasn’t long enough to try to process everything. You know what makes it worse? You have to come to terms with the fact that the baby inside you is dead. How do you do that?

When I arrived the next day they told me about what to expect and time frames. I was given a folder of leaflets and booklets of different charities, funeral directors, grandparents grieving, post-mortems, trying for another baby, you name it there was a booklet for it.

I was given a tablet to take which is the size of about 50p and they watched me swallow it then sent me on my way.

When the time came for me to give birth my heart broke again. I know it’s stupid but you hope deep down that your baby will cry and they will be wrong and everything will go.

Why I got involved in designing a card I contacted Thortful last Father’s Day bcause I couldn’t find a card suitable to give to my husband Phil. Every card I looked at mentioned in one way or another something about growing up, tying shoelaces, playing and looking after your child. It is extremely hard when you have never done any of that with your own son. I messaged Thortful during a night where I had just had enough.

I wanted us to be included in these celebrations of being parents, but we couldn’t. Parents like us are not celebrated outside our community. It isn’t just me that feels this.

I have spoken to a lot of parents who also find these celebrations hard, not because their child isn’t here but because there is nothing for us. We are unspoken about, and it needs to change. I am a mum.

Like all mums, I went through pregnancy. I got an aching back and swollen feet.

I gave birth. I have a son – you just can’t see him. I know that it is hard for people because the whole topic of baby loss is still taboo but it is time we broke the silence.

Being asked to help design a range of cards for bereaved mothers like myself has been an honour. Knowing that they will help mums feel included, recognised and special means a lot to me.

I’m also so proud of Dexy, if it wasn’t for him, I would never have been given the chance to make a difference. I am really honoured.

Elizabeth Hutton, chief executive of Kicks Count, said: “We are delighted Hannah came up with the idea to work with Thortful to raise money for the charity which campaigns to reduce the numbers of babies lost to stillbirth.

"Last year, the cards designed for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day raised £1,500 which was an amazing achievement.

"It is a sad fact that 11 babies will be stillborn or die shortly after birth every day and one in four people will experience baby loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or child death. It happens more than people think and when it does, it is devastating for the families involved.”