Column: South Africans outraged at ban on booze and fags

When it comes to lunatic political decisions the South African president is right up there with the best of them.

In late March, in the midst of the coronavirus outbreak, the South African government banned the sale of tobacco and alcohol as part of its lockdown due to the pandemic.

It was and is one of the most draconian lockdowns anywhere in the world.

Needless to say it didn’t go down well. In fact it made him the most unpopular politician in Africa since Robert Mugabe was in his pomp. But despite protests the ban remains firmly in effect.

Now when it comes to the relationship between South Africans, cigarettes and booze, I am well qualified to express an opinion because I lived there for many years.

South African weekends invariably revolved around a barbecue (or braai as they are known in SA) with beer, wine and cigarettes in plentiful supply.

The first beers were normally cracked open at about 10am (known collectively as “a loosener”) while you lined your stomach with an enormous breakfast of bacon, eggs and a very tasty South African sausage called boerewors. There were no vegetarian options.

By lunchtime everyone had necked three or four lagers, sparked up several Chesterfields in succession and then stretched out for a siesta in the sun before the main event.

To survive a South African barbecue in those days you needed to have the constitution of an ox.

The braai was normally fired up at about 1pm with several bottles of wine being uncorked in glorious celebration of the banquet to follow. Gluttony was mandatory.

A vast array of meat (ostrich and springbok steaks were staples) and, naturally, more cigarettes.

Everyone tended to stagger off home to bed at about 8.30pm, too tired and emotional to consume any more food or booze.

Admittedly this was during the apartheid era which, I hasten to add. I was vehemently opposed to. Hence my return to England at the age of 21 in 1982.

But alcohol and cigarettes were equally important to the black majority then and indeed now.

Ramaphosa has basically triggered a revolt in his own country and the mood is ugly.

With off licences (known as bottle stores in South Africa) shutting up shop, many started brewing all manner of concoctions at home to get their fix with one couple tragically ending up dead from alcohol poisoning after lacing pineapple juice with God knows what.

A long-time friend of mine who is now one of South Africa’s most eminent journalists was once one of Durban’s most famous dope dealers and has long predicted that Armageddon is nigh.

Let’s refer to him by his college nickname of Dr Gonzo to ensure his anonymity. He has long been prepared for the day when there would be another Prohibition and cigs and booze would be in desperately short supply.

He outlined his plans to me many years ago...

“Always have at least 20 bottles of vodka, ten cases each of white, rose and red wine, three or four bottles of single malt whisky and a bottle or rum in case things get really desperate,” he announced gravely.

“Marijuana is no longer a necessity because it messes with my head,” he added. “But cigarettes, well I can’t give them up.”

Bearing in mind the stash of fags he has he is unlikely to ever run out and if he wants to enjoy a fruitful retirement he could easily cash in right now.

He now lives high in the hills in a rather resplendent abode overlooking Cape Town with the latest in a long line of admirers, secure in the knowledge that unlike most South Africans at present, he can relax.

As a smoker I am the first to admit it is a ghastly habit that offends many people and it is obviously hugely detrimental to your health.

I actually gave up for three years and was as miserable as sin for the entire time before deciding I “would just have one” with a beer in a pub on the day the smoking ban was brought in.

The next day I went straight out and bought a packet of 20 Marlboro.

But if I give up again I want it to be on my terms, not a government’s.

Therefore I sympathise totally with a very angry booze and nicotine-starved South African populace.

I would also bet a hefty sum that Cyril Ramaphosa will not win the next election.