Thousands of women in Sussex are living with violence every day. Breaking the cycle and seeking help can be terrifying and requires incredible courage - but it can be done.

To mark international Stop the Violence fortnight, Rachel Pegg spoke to a survivor who managed to escape her controlling and aggressive partner.

For seven years Jessica was in a relationship with a man who abused her physically and mentally, making her feel worthless.

Her partner would regularly hit her and shout at her, causing her to lose her confidence and many of her friends.

The closest she came to getting outside assistance was when a neighbour reported the regular disturbances to environmental health.

Officers recorded the man's shouting and served Jessica with a noise abatement order, but she kept it secret from her partner because she was so scared of him.

In May this year everything changed. Together with her daughters aged 14 and five, she moved 300 miles from Cornwall without telling her partner.

She has a sister in Brighton and managed to find a place in the local Women's Refuge Project. One of the biggest challenges, she said, was to trust that there would be some help and a place for them to stay.

Jessica, 46, a former social worker, said: "I thought, I can't go on doing what we are doing.

"I had been in domestic violence for seven years. That was violence and mental abuse.

"When you have reached that stage of needing to leave, you don't have enough ego to think someone is going to take you on board. If no one's going to believe you, what's the point in leaving?

"We probably have millions of women in Britain who get a good slap on a Friday night."

Jessica's troubles started after she had been with her partner for some time. She already had three children and had never been with a violent man.

She said: "For the first six months, he was lovely. He was always quite bossy but that was nice. When we met, I had not long split up with my husband.

"It was nice to have a man come in and say: Let's get you a new washing machine.' It was very much doing the house up and making the family come together. I fell pregnant very quickly.

"Three months into the pregnancy, he just changed. He was going out to work, going away at weekends. He didn't want me to meet his friends. The man that I met wasn't the man that was coming home from work any more.

"He just got worse and worse.

The worst memory I have was one evening when I'd gone out. It was the first time I'd gone out for ages and he was looking after the children.

He'd already had one affair and she was sitting on my sofa. I was really quite upset. He was very righteous and said: I am leaving you and going back with her.' "He got cross and threw me up the corridor. It was the most amazing feeling because I am quite a big girl, so flying for me was very strange. It was like being on a trampoline. It all happened in slow motion. I thought: If I am going to land, I am going to hurt myself.'"

Until then, Jessica had often been hit by her partner. That night, she hit back for the first time and their relationship changed from physical aggression to mental abuse.

She said: "The violence stopped then and it became more control.

I'd take ages making dinner and he'd throw it across the room. Anything I did that wasn't totally right was punishable.

"What happened to me was I thought I was always in the wrong, that there was something incredibly wrong with me because this man I met was lovely and I had turned him into a monster. I couldn't understand what I was doing to make him that way. It took me seven years to realise it wasn't me."

Jessica stayed so long because she felt indebted to her partner. She said: "I promised him I would never leave him on his own. He told me things about his past and his childhood that made me feel he could never be left on his own. I justified his behaviour because I made that promise.

"I have not worked for five years.

I don't go out, I suffer from anxiety.

I find it difficult just going shopping. I am on the road to recovery but I can't see the end yet."

Jessica even made a decision she thinks people might find it hard to understand if they have not experienced domestic violence. After having her youngest daughter, now five, she suffered from post-natal depression and chose to hand over her two sons, age 12 and 13, to their father to enable her to cope with her controlling partner.

She has since been unable to track them down.

Her violent ex has no contact with his daughter and did not even want to be put on her birth certificate.

For most of their relationship, the couple did not live together but he still exerted influence over her.

Jessica said: "He didn't live with us but he still had control. After I left him I had one phone call from him saying: I am going to find you and kill you.' "I said: No you won't.' I told him I was in a refuge." For many women, it can be hard to leave because it might mean the children will no longer see their father.

Jessica said: "Mine was OK with the children so you also have to wrench them from that. One of the reasons I left was because I had a teenage daughter, who hadn't witnessed any violence, and she said to me: You can't do this any more.' "I just felt I couldn't bring up my children to be women who might go into domestic violence.

"My eldest remembers me being a stronger person. She couldn't understand.

"The children and I were so grateful there was a place for us to go and we did feel very safe.

"I am safe here because nobody would be able to find me, but I have come from 300 miles away. There are lots of women who don't want to leave their families and friends and I think it must be much harder for them."

Jessica said many women are affected by the stigma that comes from admitting you have been a victim of domestic violence.

"I have lost a few friends and family members because they can't believe you would stick through that and that it goes on.

"If people knew what had happened, they would be horrified.

They would say we were the most loving, devoted couple they'd ever met. He would tell me how much he loved me. It wasn't until there was nobody around.

"One of the things that really naffs me off about domestic violence is, nothing happens to the men.

"I am sure I couldn't face going to court and bringing charges. This man I was with has done it before and I have no doubt continues to do it."

Jessica and her daughters now live safely in a house in Brighton.

  • Jessica's name and some details about her story have been changed to protect her and her family.

The Women's Refuge Project is always in need of funding and volunteers. Visit www.womens refuge.org.uk Have you been a victim of domestic violence? Tell us about your experiences below