Clipboard – check; rosette – check; blue ballpoint pen – check; canvass sheets – check. It’s been campaign time recently in South Portslade and my colleagues and I have been out practising our smiles and our electioneering patter, writes Councillor Alistair McNair.

Smiling doesn’t come naturally to me – glaring does. It’s the Scot in me. But I wasn’t too rusty seeing as I’d been smiling as recently as May. Not as rusty as some of the letter boxes we’ve been pushing leaflets through anyway. There I stand at the gate, as if behind the oche, ready to dart up the path once I’ve made sure it’s the right house.

Deep breath. Smile. Good morning – my name’s Alistair. Would you consider supporting Benjamin Franks in the by-election on January 11? By now we know how many did – thank you to our supporters.

As I walk up to each front door, I’m already guessing the party my unsuspecting victim supports. Is the lawn cut? Or heaven help us, is it plastic?! What kind of car do they have? A white van always lifts my spirits. If it’s a Porsche, they probably vote Green. Even better, a Union Jack stuck up in the window. Is anybody in? Do you knock again? Did the doorbell work? Sometimes it’s obvious what people think of you.

Once we’ve said our goodbyes, I need to record my decision. Are you Conservative or just leaning our way? Are you socialist or Green? Or undecided? If you won’t tell us, you’re probably against us. We don’t want to bother you again if you don’t like us.

These days, we are constantly told not to be judgemental. This has led to a culture of virtue signalling – don’t fly, we need to save the planet.

Or don’t drink milk – cow farts are causing global warming. We are actually very judgemental. It’s just what we judge that changes.

Britain is full. Not of immigrants or of people in general, but of smug, virtue merchandising celebrities.

The sky must be falling in if Kirstie “Two Homes” Allsop won’t vote Tory any more. But do we really want her? She can have as many properties as she likes but why the need to lecture the rest of us on how we live?

Kirstie doesn’t think any of us plebs should live in detached houses any more. They’re bad for the environment she thinks. Bad for community spirit. Of course, she can talk from her multimillion-pound mansions. One sleeps 14 which she rents out. But it gets newspaper headlines.

Gary Lineker is another. Now there’s an expert in using virtue merchandising to offload vice onto others. You can agree or disagree with the Rwanda asylum plan – it’s an attempt to control illegal immigration which most people want reduced, Labour voters included. But Lineker trades on his position. Look how good I am taking in a refugee – for 20 days in his £4.5 million mansion.

He thinks that qualifies him to rubbish the government – actually, not the government, but probably the majority of UK residents. There are plenty of residents in Brighton who have looked after Ukrainian refugees for two years without telling anyone, let alone the newspapers.

Both Allsop and Lineker are clearly insecure. If you feel the need to promote how virtuous you are, you’re not.

Now, that darts sensation Luke Littler – a really apt name – may only be 16 and new to celebrity culture but let’s remember what he’s like now, preparing for his big final by getting up at midday – who doesn’t at 16? – and scoffing omelette and pizza. Maybe having a go on his X-box. Luke is someone comfortable in his skin. Unlike many politicians who feel the need to hide their backgrounds – remember “two kitchens” Miliband? – and personality, or lack of. Voters don’t mind how rich their Prime Minister is. What they care about is their authenticity. Do they come across as real?

So, dear conservative reader – note the small c – what can we learn from the fables of Allsop, Lineker and Littler?

Here are five rules for life. One, run a mile from anyone using the word “should”. They want you to change but won’t themselves. Possibilities reside in mights rather than shoulds. Two, take the world for what it is. People will tread the path of their own choosing. Three, do as you would be done by. If you want to ban cars, don’t drive one yourself. Four, try not to tell your left hand what your right hand is doing – nigh on impossible in a world that invented the selfie. Five – be yourself. Don’t second guess what people want – they’ll see you’re guessing. And if you like plastic grass, don’t let me stop you.

Alistair McNair is leader of the Conservatives on Brighton and Hove City Council