Has Patcham got talent?
I was recently asked to judge a children’s talent competition. The things you do as a councillor. Pretending to be Simon Cowell. What do I know about a young boy’s proficiency in parkour or ballet?
Politicians – even minor ones like me – will sign up for anything. Except jury service it seems. Have you heard of the new nail in the Royal Mail’s coffin? No more letters going out requesting you turn up for jury duty.
David Lammy wants to ban jury service for crimes likely to carry fewer than three years behind bars. You know, burglary and threats to kill. It’s another sign of just how much easier life is becoming under Labour. We won’t have to vote next year for a Sussex-wide mayor either – I can tell you my knees are thankful for that one.
And with ID cards on the way, all that clutter of gas bills and credit card statements – a particularly unpleasant letter to receive – will be a thing of the past too. B&Q must be salivating at the thought of the extra space waiting to be decorated.
Here’s a fun fact. When were women first allowed to sit on juries? 1920. I’m not sure they would have been grateful. I’m surprised we’ve hung onto jury duty for so long. Not that I didn’t enjoy my stint a few years ago. We all looked pretty nervous – dare I say shifty – as we waited to be called into the chamber. I saw the look of horror on the poor defendant’s face when he saw my particular bunch of misfits arriving to decide his fate.
What on earth do they know about the law? Or morality? Can we even sit still for more than 10 minutes without our mobile phones? We could be dodging our tax for all he knows.
The French have already got rid of jury service. Good to see our Deputy PM following rather belatedly in their footsteps. The more French we become, surely the better. Long lunches, the TGV, fresh bread - not sourdough everywhere you look. We’ve even got higher income tax now. Labour has a long way to go, but it’s made a start.
Who came up with jury duty in the first place? You wouldn’t want the rest of society run like it, would you? There you are, getting ready for work, and you suddenly get a letter insisting you turn up at the local Italian to make pizza for two weeks. Or a missive arrives informing you it’s your turn to take the Christmas carol service. Or you’re suddenly required to teach five-year-olds maths.
Come to think of it, now most of us have sleepwalked into packing our own shopping at Tesco, we’re probably halfway there. I’m sure Royal Mail is lobbying for such a scheme. Because if it’s not France, then the Royal Mail will be worried that Denmark is the Government’s other flavour of the month.
Denmark is where it’s at. I don’t know where we got this idea that Denmark is full of hygge – woolly jumpers and wood burners. They spent centuries plundering the north of England. Maybe that’s how Labour got its ideas. It seems Viking blood is still bubbling just below the surface. For if Denmark’s not booting out refugees, it’s ditching mail deliveries. They’re even ripping out their old post boxes. Can you imagine the stink here if that happened?
English Heritage would encourage all its members to start writing letters. The whole process would take longer than HS2. We’ve still got loads of rusty phone boxes.
It might reduce the number of irritating letters you get, but I reckon most people would rather be tried by jury. Even if it’s me. After all, how much do judges really know what it’s like living next door to the local junkie? They’re the type of people who go by the book – not much different from accountants and tax collectors. There’s a reason why Jesus was fond of them. There’d be no point the defendant wearing their best hang dog expression. Or practising their best doe-eyed look in the mirror before standing in the dock. The judge would just throw the aforementioned book at them.
Court rooms will soon resemble the pit and the pendulum rather than a set designed by Oak Furnitureland.
Why? Because 79 per cent of judges went to public school – packed off by mum and dad at five to spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge. On the rest of us. We weedy state school types will need to get our acts together if we’re to muscle in on this judging business.
Should I have given first prize for that pirouette? Next time, let the mums decide.
Alistair McNair is Leader of the Conservatives on Brighton and Hove City Council.
Share