“That sounds like my actual living nightmare.”
That was the most common response I got this week when telling people what I’d signed up for.
“I genuinely can’t think of anything worse”, was another.
And perhaps they were right. I was going to take part in LOLyamorous, a comedy show where participants undergo a speed date in front of a live audience, only to then have their attempts to seduce analysed by a comedian and a sex therapist.
I suppose I could understand the apprehension.
Promoted as an “antidote to online dating”, LOLyamorous is the brainchild of stand up James Regal, who now lives in Barcelona but tours the show around the world. He’ll be bringing it to Brighton Fringe later this year.
While our ever deepening dependence on dating apps is certainly an ailment that needs curing, is being fed to the lions in this colosseum of love really the best medicine?
I went along to the Ironworks Studios on Cheapside near Brighton Station last Thursday night to find out.
Prospective partners sign up by putting their name on a bit of paper into a heart shaped box. Not one of those with a kink for simply watching, I nervously threw my hat into the ring, wondering if any non-metaphorical items of clothing might also soon be removed…
To begin with, James warmed the crowd up and got to know the audience, chatting with Steve and Page, a couple who met at Brighton University in 2014.
James asked Steve how he had first won Page’s affection all those years ago…
“Well, I was really drunk”, Steve said proudly. “And I haven’t sobered up since!”
With that, James introduced Cate Mackenzie to the stage, she is a sex and relationships therapist from Channel 4’s Undateables. She was followed by professional funny woman, Sarah Mills. Finally, it was time to pull the first two names out of the box.
Would-be lovers have two minutes to get better acquainted, before James, Cate, and Sarah weigh in with their words of wisdom. Two boxes of questions - ‘deep’ or ‘spicy’ - served as aids to keep things moving along.
Harvan and Sofia were the brave duo to go first.
Dipping into the raunchier of the boxes, Sofia asked “what’s the spiciest thing anyone’s ever said to you in bed?”
After pausing for a moment, Harvan - who is half Indian, in his words - replied: “It would have to be… ‘I want your curried sausage for breakfast’”.
This simultaneously brought a great laugh from the crowd and ended his chances with Sofia.
All too soon, my moment of terror arrived. “Next up we have Cheryl and… Charles!”
Who was this Cheryl? It was time to find out.
As it transpires, Cheryl was a charming 46-year-old Ticehurst resident. We shook hands politely as we sat down in the blinding stage lights to have our public date together.
I drew a question from the spicy box.
“If you were to engage in some bedroom roleplay, what role would you like to perform? Teacher, doctor, nurse, secretary, student, etc.”
Following some internal deliberation, Cheryl explained that she makes a lot of decisions in her professional life, so she might like to roleplay as a secretary and be told what to do.
“But that means you’d have to be the boss”, she added alluringly.
“I can do that”, I replied, attempting to sound authoritative. “Schedule that in for next week”, I said commandingly.
Our two minutes alone flew by, but next we had to endure the probing of the panel.
And to be fair, the three hosts were entirely positive and affirming throughout the entire night. They really weren’t there to roast the participants, but to kindly build us up. Cate was especially lovely in this regard, doing a great job of picking out people’s positive traits in a sincere and heartfelt manner.
Still, not a single panellist nor audience member, nor indeed Cheryl, was impressed by my answer to James’s next question.
Where would I take Cheryl for a second date?
“Well, I know a great little place in Hove called my sofa…”
Our time on stage was soon over, and we returned to the safety of the crowd to enjoy the rest of the show.
And enjoyable it was. As Cate said at the climax, a good belly laugh is like an orgasm.
And if that’s true, then everyone in attendance will have gone home thoroughly satisfied.
Thanks for reading Pring It On!
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