. . . Or a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the D.I.N.N.E.R. Party.

Isn't it high time the nutritionally undermined had their very own political party? We could call it the Dishy Ingredients, No Nagging, Eat to Repair (D.I.N.N.E.R.) Party.

In my senior capacity as D.I.N.N.E.R. lady, standing poised on a wobbly vegetable crate, I believe we should start with a Children's Charter, taking a solid campaign into Sussex schools and households. Our proposals might include:

1. All children to learn how to optimise their physical and mental performance through nutrition. The next generation needs to be fit so they can care for us in our old age.

2. School children require a warm, nutritious lunch freshly prepared on the premises without extra sugar, salt, processed fats and dubious chemicals. Children in West Sussex entitled to double helpings.

3. Kids to learn how to cook without packets or cans. 'Tasty meals for healthy students' to become obligatory subject on the national curriculum. Each school to start organic vegetable patch to prove beyond reasonable doubt that foods don't originate from Tesco.

4. Ditto Basic Biology. If they know what's going into their bodies and how it will effect looks, brainpower and well-being, children are more likely to take responsibility for their health. Must learn to trill party anthem 'These foods were meant for chewing!' in rousing country-western style.

5. Cheap junk is no longer acceptable at children's parties. Orange glow-in-the-dark jelly and flashing neon-green candy to be confiscated for the sake of parental sanity and banished to the North Pole.

6. Party conferences to be held yearly in the form of a 'Live Food' concert. Delegates bring healthy titbits to swap and share. All proceeds to charitable causes, such as the Hyperactive Children's Support Group - 71 Whyke Lane, Chichester, PO19 2LD. Tel: 01903 725182.

7. Food manufacturers to be vetted on their use of sugar in baby products. Supermarkets to be taxed heavily on irresponsible policy of stocking sweets next to checkouts.Unsuitable items, such as those containing hydrogenated fats, to carry health warnings.

8. TV advertising of addictive substances, such as chocolate and cola, to be restricted to adult prime-time viewing only. Celebrities to give short pep talks on how to stay healthy in the 21st Century.

9. Finally, other common sense measures to be implemented, such as evening classes for over-anxious parents. Enrol in 'What to do if my child is a faddy eater' run by acclaimed nutritional therapist Ivor Phusspott.