I'm sure normal families sit round the kitchen table on weekend mornings, sharing breakfast, reading the papers and having proper conversations.

Perhaps they discuss items of newsworthy interest or talk about their plans for the day. Obviously ours is not a normal family if last weekend's breakfast 'conversation' is anything to go by.

"What do you want for breakfast?" I ask daughter.

"Nothing, I've got some popcorn."

"Popcorn isn't a breakfast and anyway, you left that packet open on the coffee table last night and the dog has been eating it."

"Sam wouldn't steal my popcorn, how do you know he stole it?"

"Because he's got at least six bits of popcorn still stuck in his fur, don't eat it now, it's unhygienic."

"I'm not eating it off Sam, I'm eating it out of the packet."

"It's still unhygienic, put it in the bin."

"What are you having?"

"I'm having grilled herring with grilled tomatoes."

"Yuk, that looks like sick."

"Thank you, that's my breakfast you're talking about."

"What are you having Dad?"

"A herring flavoured bacon sandwich, from the looks of things."

"I'll stick to the popcorn then, I don't mind sharing with MY dog."

A few minutes pass. "Mum, what are we doing this weekend?"

"Well, I am tidying the house and walking the dog like I do every weekend."

"I'll go into town with a friend then."

"Thanks for your offer of help."

"That's OK, at least I'll be out of your way."

"You could always stay and help me clean OUR house and walk YOUR dog."

"No, that sounds like sick, I'll go into town. What are you doing Dad?"

"I'm hiding in the shed."

"I'm definitely going into town then, can I borrow some money?"

"No," I said, "have you seen this phone bill, it's for £155, the phone bill is not supposed to be for £155, it's supposed to be a minimal phone bill because we are supposed to use our mobiles and their free minutes for outgoing calls and only use the ordinary phone for incoming calls."

"Don't look at me," daughter said, "I do use my mobile, none of it is mine."

I study the phone bill in detail. "Then why is £65 of this calls to premium rate numbers, 25 of them to the same number?"

"Oh, that was my votes for Tara Palmer Tompkinson to stay in the jungle."

"What about this single call that cost £14?"

"Oh, that was when I ordered cool new ring tones for my mobile."

"You mean the one where you ordered a cool new ring tone but they sent the wrong one."

"That's right, so I had to phone it up again and re order the one I wanted."

"Do you use it?"

"No, I got bored of it."

I refuse to lend any money and retreat to the papers, which seem to have inadvertently got bits of popcorn and dog fur stuck all over them.

There is an amusing piece called the 'stress' diet for women to help them get through a stressful day.

This starts with half a grapefruit and a cup of herbal tea for breakfast and ends up suggesting you eat an entire Sarah Lee cheesecake for an evening snack, accompanied by progressively more chocolate as the day goes on.

I think I should forgo the grapefruit bit and in future just start with the stress reducing chocolate at 8am.