I was raped by my friend

She had no memory of any attack and could not believe the man who had been her friend and landlord was capable of such a thing.

But when she saw a 90-minute home video of the attack she was physically sick.

The victim, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said: "I had so many thoughts and feelings going through my mind. Everything was spinning around and merging into one.

"I felt ashamed and dirty. I was ashamed I was a victim. I was disgusted that I had allowed myself to be treated in this way."

Last week Stephen Jackson, from Worthing, was jailed for 12 years at Chichester Crown Court for the attacks, which were carried out between 1996 and 1997.

He originally denied four charges of rape, one of attempted rape and one of indecent assault on the woman but admitted them as the trial was about to start, when the court heard the video would be shown to the jury.

The victim believes she was drugged by a powerful sedative, similar to a date-rape drug, which paralysed her and wiped her memory. She does not accept Jackson's defence lawyer's claim that his client took advantage of a woman who had drunk too much.

But she will never be able to prove she was drugged as the attacks were carried out several years before the tape was discovered and any forensic evidence would be long gone.

Even the victim said the truth sounds too surreal to believe.

She said: "I keep using that word, surreal, but that's what it is. It's like something you read in a book or see in a film. When the detectives arrived at my home to tell me that I may have been a rape victim I thought it was a sick joke."

The woman said she had to watch the film and try to identify when the films had been taken and in which rooms. She estimated they were shot in 1996 from her clothes and hairstyle but she could not recall what had happened to her.

There were six scenes taken in Jackson's home, mostly in the day, although the curtains were shut. He had balanced the video camera on different points of her body and filmed himself undoing her clothes and carrying out the attacks. He even filmed his own face.

She said she was shocked to see how motionless she was.

She said: "I was like a corpse. I was hardly breathing in them and my eyes were shut. I was not drunk in them because I didn't move at all and no matter how drunk you are, you move and you do remember things. I have no memory of any of the attacks."

In one of the shots she appears to sit up and shout at him and then lie down.

But she said: "I would have remembered the next day but I don't. Sometimes I say to myself, 'Think, just try to think' but I don't recall anything."

The victim is a lesbian and says she had never had sex with a man so would not know what she would have felt like physically.

Trying to understand how it was so easy for Jackson to make her a victim has been as difficult to cope with as being physically abused.

The woman got to know Jackson when she moved to Sussex to study art when she was a teenager in the early Nineties.

Her love of karaoke led her to meet Jackson. He would tour pubs in Sussex and Hampshire with his karaoke equipment.

The victim became a regular at some of the karaoke evenings and got chatting to Jackson, who was then in his late 30s.

The woman said: "We got on really well and seemed to have quite a lot in common. He knew I was gay, we became good friends and saw each other regularly.

"He was like a father, brother and best friend all in one. He was a bit older than me but I always got on better with older people."

At one stage her health was poor and Jackson offered her a room in the bungalow he inherited from his late father.

She said: "There was a key for the door to my room but I never had to use it. He never exposed himself around the house, he never came into my room without knocking. I never had an inkling of anything being wrong."

The couple shared meals together and were comfortable housemates. Jackson was even introduced to the victim's family as her best friend.

She said: "My mum and dad liked him. They even gave him a three-piece-suite for the bungalow. They thought he had changed me into a grown-up."

The woman moved out to live with her partner but the relationship ended and her partner moved into Jackson's bungalow.

The victim said: "I was upset she was moving in with him because he was my best friend, not because she had anything to fear."

But just before Christmas, the victim's former girlfriend wanted to make a montage of her former partner's karaoke appearances and asked Jackson if she could use his videos.

She picked one video and thought she was watching a pornographic movie until she realised it was Jackson and her former partner.

She left the bungalow immediately and went away for Christmas unable to get the disturbing vision out of her mind.

After several weeks she could not keep the secret to herself, returned to Sussex and took the video to the police. Within days Jackson was arrested and the story was exposed.

The victim, who attempted suicide and was taken to hospital when Jackson was granted bail while waiting for trial, said: "When the detectives came to see me I couldn't believe it. I wanted to phone Steve and ask him if it was true. He was my friend. I used up every emotion. He betrayed me and defiled me and he shook my father's hand at Christmas knowing what he had been doing to me.

"It's taught me that you never really know if someone has a dark corner. He's nothing to me now. I hope he feels remorse and I hope he's having a really hard time in prison."