For a few months now my husband and I have been concerned about how we can improve communications with each other.

Days have gone by when we haven't had a single meaningful exchange.

The main problem is that our work shifts have become completely incompatible. I'm up at 6am to get Eve off to nursery and myself off to work. And then I'm in bed by 11pm.

My husband doesn't start work until 3pm, and often isn't home before 2am.

This means my morning mutterings have as much impact on him as his after-dark thoughts have on me.

I've often denied all knowledge of a conversation he claims to have had with me about our chances of winning the latest car competition he has entered.

Likewise, he has no recollection of my requests for him to vacuum the stairs.

There is a window of opportunity around lunchtime when we could have a reasonable phone conversation. But when, then, can we eat our sandwiches?

For a while we found writing Post-It notes to each other solved some of the basic problems. At least we had written evidence of demands, requests and threats.

The trouble with notes, however, is that a) you need a pen, b) you need paper, c) you need to write legibly and d) you need to stick your note somewhere it can be seen. I often failed to meet all the criteria. Notes also find their own way into the bin unread.

We tried telepathy but I think I must have been picking up someone else's brain signals. What would my husband want with a signed photo of Des O'Connor?

Then new technology advanced into both our lives and it looked as if our worries were over.

Fast, simple, reliable and intimate, at last we were able to communicate with each other on a daily basis by email. Sadly, our communication skills have not improved.

An email conversation we had earlier this week went like this:

ME: Can you call Rafia and can you let me know your days off before Christmas. I want a day out shopping and I need to make sure you can pick up Eve from nursery.

HIM: Why do I need to call Rafia? December 19 and 11, by the way.

ME: To confirm that she's babysitting for us tomorrow night when we go out to that fish restaurant. I also said you'd babysit for her on Saturday when she and Jake go to a party.

HIM: I thought we were doing something on Saturday.

ME: Yes, you're babysitting and I'm off to Gloucester to see Helen.

HIM: So let me get this straight. I'm off to Gloucester, you're babysitting Rafia and Eve is going Christmas shopping on December 19 . . .

ME: Stop it. You're doing it deliberately.

HIM: Doing what? It's crystal clear. I'm going to a party with Rafia , Eve is babysitting Jake and Helen's picking you up from nursery.

Me: I'm warning you.

HIM: OK. Let's start again. Jake is having an affair with Helen, Eve has run away from nursery, Gloucester has a fish restaurant and you're my babysitter. We need more milk.

ME: Buy it yourself.

I wonder if Relate does email therapy sessions.