The fires on Brighton's most famous heap of junk, the West Pier, have inspired various delightful stories.

It was torched in a commando-style raid by men in black dinghies; gangsters were hired to do the job; the arsonist was the ghost of an actress who, decades ago, appeared in a show on the pier (why she started the blaze isn't clear - perhaps it was delayed reaction to a bad review?).

Now, forgetting the past and looking to the future, we have a fabulous proposal to turn the pier into an eco-friendly solar palace which could generate electricity.

It sounds a great idea to me. But before I get too enthusiastic, what does this mean?

Sorry, but I haven't a clue.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, Dr Geoff Lockwood, chief executive of the West Pier Trust, adds to my bewilderment.

While still believing the pier can be "restored", he also welcomes other sea-based developments, declaring that "we're all for any ideas like a Sydney Opera House, out in the sea."

I'm finding it hard to get my head around all this. Am I supposed to believe that a heap of scrap metal is capable of being "restored" to its former glory as a pier or transformed into an electricity-generating modern marvel?

And should I also be eagerly anticipating hearing the fat lady singing, with her dulcet tones drifting towards the shoreline?

If anyone (perhaps men in white coats) can come to my assistance, it would be appreciated.

-Fred Boulden, Brighton