Now New Labour is making so many socialist-looking gestures in order to woo the trade unions and help Labour councils get re-elected next May, perhaps we can soon look forward to the return of Clause Four and the imposition of a full left-wing programme.

This is how the State would run a corner shop.

Your corner shop will only sell tasteless health food, such as tofu and rice-cakes, since we know what is best for you.

CCTV cameras will make sure you do not smack your children while you are in the shop. As you leave, an automatic jabbing device will give them the MMR vaccine, whether you like it or not.

Corner shops will be built by the Private Finance Initiative, which will result in small cans of baked beans costing £5 each (or ten million euros). Baked beans will, however, not be stocked because the French do not eat them.

Staff will need three A-levels to work in a corner shop, which can be obtained by tearing them off from the roll hanging in the staff toilet.

Applications are particularly welcome from people who do not want to work in a corner shop ("New Deal").

Corner shops will be open for two hours each day, minus an hour to recruit new staff and a further 59 minutes for restructuring.

After restructuring, there will be as many as one corner shop in each county - correction, make that region.

In the interests of showing that we are good Europeans, a further restructuring will result in shops being closed in every other region, so people in those areas will have to visit continental corner shops instead.

The remaining corner shops will then be privatised and sold off to European corner shop chains, who will close them because they are not economic.

-Ian Hills, Blackman Street, Brighton