THIS month has been dogged by the annual problem of leaves on the line which, due to the wet June, dry July, wet August scenario, are apparently fatter, more slippery and therefore more problematic than ever before. I heard a leading botanist laugh scornfully at this theory, swearing autumnal leaves were no plumper, wetter or more difficult to deal with this year, than any other. So, am able to shake my head in non belief every time I hear that excuse. This morning

however, something entirely different was causing problems.

Was alerted to problem, after a good ten minutes sitting not far from Gatwick Airport, by announcer who declared that the train would be delayed for some time, due to an "obstruction" on the line. There

followed the usual speculation among travellers as to what this "obstruction" could be.

"A body, I reckon . . . "

"No, we had one on Monday. Could be sheep."

"Or a leaf?"

"A sycamore leaf, I imagine . . . "

"Or a dead buddleia head!"

"No, too late for that - possibly an early daffodil though!"

And more of the same until:

"Ladies and Gentlemen," (the announcer this time), "as I mentioned earlier, we are unable to move at present due to an obstruction on the line. I can now outline in more detail for you the nature of the obstruction to which the obstruction movers are currently making their way, as fast as possible."

Judging by his tone of voice, you could tell the announcer had guessed we'd be making sarcastic remarks about leaves and had something

altogether better to tell us. "The object is in fact a mattress. I will give you more details as and when they become clear."

Announcer was clearly pleased with this information, as if he were the leading officer on a murder inquiry, briefing a bunch of anxious-for-information journalists. Though, quite frankly,

having built himself up with his wordy introduction, telling us the object was a mattress was a bit like telling aforementioned journalists that murder was in fact now being treated as natural causes.

A few moments later he rejoined us: " . . . as I mentioned, we are stuck here due to the presence of a mattress on the line. The team responsible for track clearance has now arrived and can confirm that it is a king size

mattress, possibly orthopaedic."

I supposed this announcer had recently done some sort of Connex keep the customers satisfied course, on which he'd learned that it was best to be honest and give as many details as possible. However, wasn't sure that his version was going to impress editor when I arrived at work nearly an hour late, muttering: "Sorry, a king size orthopaedic mattress barred my progress to work...."

"And would this king size mattress happen to have been the 'especially conducive to having a lie-in' mattress on your king size bed?"

"No, really this was on the railway line. Apparently it was heavily waterlogged and therefore the obstruction moving operation was not entirely straightforward."

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.