Give way - wasps chasing pig for 1/2 mile.

It case of train delay please snap stresstwig.

Sounds like nonsense? It is. But it is the kind of nonsense that is all too similar to the hundreds of signs we see everyday but no longer take in.

Dave Askwith, 37, got so irritated by the pointlessness of so many of the messages and instructions adorning our streets, transport system and buildings, that he had to take action.

As the saying goes, humour is the best defence and with the imagination of a professional advert creator, Mr Askwith had a formidable armoury to work with.

He decided to use his creative juices to mock those he felt needed teaching a lesson the bureaucrats who run our trains, parking systems, tourist attractions and more.

For the past seven years, he has been creating and erecting his own spoof signs that at first glance, look like just another piece of officialdom, but on closer examination, are clearly taking the mickey.

Train users are invited to:

"Pull lever to pour gravy over sausages located in driver's compartment."

Pedestrians are sternly informed: "Wallook Flownsh:

All signs previously headed important notice are now headed Wallook Flownsh."

Mr Askwith, who lives in Seven Dials, Brighton, said:

"After a while of seeing banal signs everyday you start to blank them out.

"People know what signs in trains say, for example, before they even read them.

"Then there are some signs which are just clearly ridiculous.

"The train station's 'Quick ticket machines' - we all know they are not quick.

"'Good service on the London Underground' - let's face it, the best it gets is mediocre.

"'Passionate about sandwiches'

people are passionate about a lot of things, but sandwiches?

"It seems to be a real English thing to massively under deliver while the signs say the opposite."

Mr Askwith scribbles his ideas in a pad that he always carries with him.

Whenever something new annoys him, he is provided with inspiration for his next joke.

He sends the words to friend Alex Normanton, who lives in Hertfordshire.

Alex, a professional typographer and graphic designer, has the skills and the software to make the signs look just like the real thing.

Mr Normanton sends them back to Mr Askwith, who sticks the graphic on to signs made of plastic and puts screws into them to make them look extra-realistic, then sticks the signs on to walls, windows and existing signs.

He is careful to erect the signs when no one is around, giving them a chance to blend into the background before confusing eagle-eyed passers-by.

Mr Askwith doesn't know how long they stay up as he rarely returns to the same spot twice.

But it gives him all the therapy he needs just to know they went up and some people saw them.

He said: "It's a bit of light relief.

"You've got to laugh at the stupidity of life.

"There's absolutely no point getting stressed as a commuter because you can't do anything about it.

"I have had total nightmares with officious idiots on trains and at stations but I know if I write a letter of complaint I will hear nothing.

"So I get my own back by having a bit of fun at their expense."

Mr Askwith has also got personal with a target that many Brighton car drivers love to hate - parking attendants.

He said: "I did a couple of parking signs for Brighton that said: 'Between the hours of 9am and 8pm traffic wardens will operate as thieving, obstructive goblins of doom.

"After that they are normal human beings like you or I, only immeasurably less so'."

Another Brighton sign next to a seafront telescope read: "Spot the radioactive turd to win a free snorkel".

Mr Askwith said: "Both those signs got taken down pretty quick."

Mr Askwith, who takes photographs of all his signs immediately after putting them up, produced a small book of the pictures for his friends two years ago.

An employee of publishing firm Harper Collins got hold of a copy and the company asked Mr Askwith last May if it could produce its own volume of his work.

The book was published last November and made it to number 27 on Amazon's bestsellers list.

Mr Askwith said: "Me and Alex are really surprised with how well it's done.

"It seems it's popular at the moment to take the mickey out of those things in life which are just asking for it.

"There's another book called Is It Just Me Or Is Everything ****? which has done very well."

Signs Of Life, by Dave Askwith and Alex Normanton, is available from most bookshops priced £4.99 or £3.74 online at Amazon.