It has been a busy month and I've made some fairly big decisions.

I agreed to take early retirement from work on the grounds of ill health. I will receive a lump sum of money from the pension which will help - but it is not as much as I had hoped.

Working with young people has been a major part of my life and I will miss it dearly.

However, I have told myself that even in my situation there is no such thing as endings, only new beginnings and I am already finding plenty of things to do.

I was delighted to offer some respite foster care for a young man for a week. The boys all hit it off really well and we felt very sad that he couldn't stay with us longer.

I am launching Marks and Spencer's fund-raising event for Breakthrough Cancer Research at the Holmbush Centre, Shoreham, on Saturday, October 28.

The theme is pink Hallowe'en and there will be a DJ playing my song, which I wrote and performed in a studio last year and will be available for a donation on the day.

I have been doing radio interviews.

I felt pretty chuffed to hear my song being played on the radio and to see Lewis singing along with a huge grin on his face.

Cycling is occupying lots of my time. My friend Neil and I go off on weekly adventures and have been discovering some beautiful places. Tom and I have invested in new bikes for the boys.

I want to have as much pleasurable time with my sons as I possibly can and cycling is something we all really enjoy.

One day we were making shapes out of the clouds and it became apparent that Lewis has heavenly aspirations for me. In the past he has talked about looking up at the stars after I have died and thinking of me watching over him. On this occasion he said he would think of me whenever he looked up at the clouds.

I usually leave my Christmas shopping to the last minute but this year I have already started to ensure that the boys will have plenty of fun things in their Christmas stockings, regardless of whether I am around to see them opening them.

Friends stayed over to help us celebrate Tom's 50th birthday.

When people asked Tom what he wanted for his birthday all he would say was: For my wife to still be here.

When he was saying it, it felt like a bit of a tall order, but I'm pleased to say not only did I make it, but I managed to throw him a party and even got up and sang with the band live. We had a great time.

It was organised at the very last minute and was at Southwick Football Club. I decided to do the catering myself, with the help of Tom's daughter Amy and my friends Jane, Viv, Mandy and Kelly.

Tom had a fabulous time and I wouldn't have missed his dancing for the world.

I have also been putting my fitness training to use by helping friends with their training programmes.

I don't like to be unreliable but one week in particular this month I became quite low as the realisation hit.

I had been for a lovely power walk with Tom and we had been chatting so I guess I just missed the usual warning signs of migraine coming. They are always frightening but this one was particularly violent and excruciatingly painful.

I remember very little of that day other than the pain and vomiting, and the migraines continued all week.

I kept myself dosed up on Migralieve but that made me very tired. Sometimes I wonder if my body is in training for the pain to come. If so, I fear I'm not going to do too well.

I went for my bi-monthly check-up at the oncologist on Thursday and he said chemo could have caused problems with my inner ear which, in turn, could be causing the dizzy spells. He has given me tablets to see if it makes a difference.

He also sent me for some X-rays and blood tests because he was concerned about pain I have been having in my legs and hips. That is always a concern when you have bone cancer.

I still stand by my belief that honesty is the best policy and by my decision to be totally open and honest with the boys. But I do worry about the confused messages they must be getting when I mostly appear so well.

Both my children are deeply kind, sensitive and caring individuals who are quick to put other people's feelings before their own.

I so hope that they stay strong and that losing their mum won't make them angry and cynical about life. Mind you, I did think the other day that Lewis is already sounding like a poor little orphan. I had cooked a huge roast dinner and plated up meals to save me cooking the following day.

Lewis said: Oh, are we just having scraps tonight?' Although I try to think of the cancer as just being a part of me, sometimes it's hard not to feel angry at it.

I'm naturally ecstatic to still be alive but I worry we are all being lulled into this false sense of security as everywhere I go people tell me how well I look and mostly I feel good too.

When you look like you are knocking at death's door, it is easier for people to accept that you are dying. Then you bounce back into remission and suddenly there's hope and denial.

Although I savour and live every moment, I try not to lose sight of how definite it is that I am going to die and I do on occasion have to remind Tom and the boys. Mind you, I did laugh one day when we were shopping and we came across some huge trunk-style boxes and Jacob said: "At the rate you are going, Mum, we'll need to buy those for our memory boxes."

Good old Jacob - he never fails to make me smile. I can't believe we were at Kings Manor Community College open evening the other day with a view to him starting secondary school.

We have also just booked him on to his first school residential trip. When I realised I may not be around at the time, a sense of panic hit me but then I thought it would be a good thing for him to have something good to look forward to and why should my uncertain future stand in the way?

  • Sandra's next monthly update will be on Saturday, November 18.