That was the year that was...

The Argus: The London Olympics made us all proud, says Mark Brailsford The London Olympics made us all proud, says Mark Brailsford

So how was it for you? The year 2012 that is. Are you kicking back as the year sags to a close with a cigarette and a naughty grin? Or are you pulling your hair out at the stress of it all?

Well, if you’re the former, well done. You have survived the end of the world (again) with your composure intact. If you are one of the latter, then you are part of the vast majority who have had to put up with increasing austerity, the rising cost of living, falling wages and the sight of Nick Clegg looking like a castigated puppy that soiled the carpet.

  •  In Brighton we lost Rounder Records and ten years of ownership of The Greys by a much-loved landlord. Parking charges were ratcheted up in the city of Brighton and Hove as the Greens managed the unique trick of cutting their noses off to spite their faces while simultaneously shooting both feet with both barrels. Say what you like about the Greens but at least they are consistent with their beliefs, which is more than can be said of our beloved Prime Minister, whose response to the Leveson inquiry was to reject the findings of an inquiry he himself set up. LOL, as he may or may not have said in a text to Rebekah Brooks.
  • The London Olympics made us all proud. Danny Boyle showcased the NHS in an awe-inspiring opening ceremony and just as cleverly made sure the world knew he had nothing to do with the awful closing one.
  • Her Madge, the Queen, celebrated her Diamond Jubilee by waving grumpily in the drizzle all day, which gave her husband, Phil the Greek, a nasty infection from the cold. On the bright side, this enabled the old boy to get out of the concert outside Buckingham Palace, which shows impeccable taste as Cliff Richard was on the bill.
  • The Albion settled in nicely at The Cathedral of Dreams, otherwise known as The Amex, and Gus Poyet continued to direct air traffic through the Sussex air corridor with his fine mastery of semaphore.
  • Sussex cricket said a fond farewell to a legend, the great Murray Goodwin who, next to Mushtaq Ahmed, was surely one of the best overseas signings since Prince Ranjitsinhji. (To those youngsters out there, I am not referring to a rapper).
  • Tens of you turned out to vote for a new police commissioner who nobody had ever heard of and who can now be ignored by the chief of constabulary, as fewer than 10% of the nation actually cared (or even voted).
  • The peoples of Europe rose up in protest at the economic crisis which threatens to engulf us all. In Spain, Los Indignados paralysed Madrid. In France, voters rejected austerity and in Greece voters rejected everything. In Britain? Dog wins Britain’s Got Talent. ’Nuff said.
  • Starbucks scored one of the biggest own goals in corporate history when they said they paid £160 million in tax, forgetting that £80 million of that tax was VAT paid by their customers. By offering a paltry £20 million to HMRC (which they can reclaim later when the fuss dies down), they have led the way for all self-employed people to suggest their own tax payment. Dear HMRC, let’s say 20 quid and call it even. Google and Amazon, along with Starbucks, pulled the same relocation of their tax liability trick, somehow managing to make Bob Diamond look a paragon of virtue.
  • The summer was a washout again, but at least Southern Water noticed and managed to rescind their drought restrictions halfway through what is now known in Sussex as the “rainy season”.
  • Plans were announced for a new third class on Britain’s wonderfully efficient privatised railways, only for these plans to be abandoned when they realised they already had this in place: it’s called First Capital Connect.
  • In the United States, Mitt Romney managed to alienate half the nation and most of the Republican party, who think he’s a man who spends too much time looking at binders full of women.
  • In a series of U-turns, pasties had their VAT status reinstated after Gideon’s disastrous budget, caravans can now be moved freely again and the Royal Family are to be sold back to Germany. The new health care system NHSBOS will be launched next year and the poor will be instructed to pull their weight by exporting their vital organs for liver transplants in the Democratic Socialist Republic of Scotland. There is good news on the environment, too. The soon to be privatised Houses of Parliament will be connected to the National Grid, where it will power London with its massive reserves of unnatural gas. BSkyBBC will appoint Sir Gary Glitter to the post of director general for a five-year term.
  • James Bond is 50 and will celebrate this ageing milestone with a re-release of the Bond song: Stairlifts Are For Ever.
  • Michael Gove’s appearance on Doctor Who was a sensation. How he does that sucky tentacle thing is amazing; an absolute natural.
  • Prince Charles presented the weather and complained about the reign.
  • A couple who won a record jackpot on Euromillions realised a lifelong dream to fill up the petrol tank of their Mondeo.
  • Everyone’s favourite Royal, Prince Harry, threw a party in Vegas that would have made his late Aunty Margaret proud. Turns out he is a real ginger. Who knew? (Only most of the world after those pics).
  • The nation rejoiced as another Royal announced the imminent arrival of yet another mouth to slip the nation’s silver spoon into. If he or she pops out with ginger hair then “Grandpa” Hewitt will be delighted. (Allegedly).
  • A robber posing as Elvis was finally locked up in Lewes prison. He was reported to be all shook up.
  • Ed Miliband is now allowed to walk to the shops on his own, but only in daylight and after buying his comics. He is to come straight home.
  • Gay marriage was legalised. We here at Treason Towers congratulate the bride and groom, David Cameron and his glamorous assistant, Nicola Clegg, on their nuptials. We give it a year.
  • Angela Merkel bestrode the EU like a Colossus, who was unfortunately Greek, so wouldn’t be allowed near the building to say hello if he was alive today.
  • And finally, our favourite news item, the winner of Rear Of The Year. All of us here at Treason Towers were rooting for Nick Clegg; we hoped he would finally get what he deserved. Sadly, this was not to be. Never mind, Nick. Hopefully you’ll get what’s coming to you next year. But back to Rear Of The Year. The winners were John Barrowman and Shobna Gulati (who?). Next year we are hoping Norman Baker’s face might be in with a shout but the writers’ pit have their dinner money on Jason Kitcat.

Merry Crimbo one and all!

  • The Treason Show’s That Was The Year That Was is at Brighton Dome Studio Theatre, New Road, from December 27 to 31. Brighton’s regular prickers of pomposity will be recreating the best songs and sketches from the past 12 months, all put together by their team of more than 50 writers. December 27 to December 30, £16/£12.50, 8pm. Dec 31, £22.50, 7pm. Call 01273 709709 or visit brightondome.org

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