Seafront map puts visitors in their place with a smile

Where to sit on Brighton beach

Phil Lucas

First published in News
Last updated
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Do you know where to sit when you visit Brighton beach?

If you are a middle class runner or a family with a very large picnic, you belong in a section of shingle stretching from Hove Street to Grand Avenue – along with the freelancers.

Day trippers, London sorts and hen and stag parties can be found either side of the Palace Pier, while the gay and lesbian community congregate in Kemp Town.

Divorcees with metal detectors are shunned east of the marina and unemployed people who like fishing are advised to sit by the marina wall at the end of Madeira Drive.

This tongue-in-cheek guidance comes from Hove funnyman Phil Lucas, who has produced a ‘Know Where To Sit on Brighton Beach’ poster for residents and tourists to take heed of.

Mr Lucas, 44, has been producing the posters for three years and recently published his latest hilarious effort on social media.

His authentic-looking map also warns people to look out for former X-Factor contestant Frankie Cocozza in the area. In the event of spotting a 55-year-old man rollerblading, Brighton dwellers are asked to dial 999.

Mr Lucas, a stand-up comedian and writer, said: “It’s the third year I’ve done it but give it an update each time.

“I suppose the ideas have come from just walking a lot on the beach and taking it all in over the years. You see certain things and they tend to ring true most of the time.

“The stretch in Hove is not for day trippers, it’s for people at home who work for themselves, and the pier is where the tourists come and spend the day – it’s the only place they go. And of course Kemp Town is quite bohemian.

“I’ve had a great reaction online. The only thing some people get annoyed about is the ‘unemployed people who like fishing’. They think I’m having go at the unemployed but I’m not. It just seems there are a lot of fishers there who aren’t working – but it’s not a horrible observation, it’s just a bit of a laugh.”

Along with warnings about former talent show contestants, Mr Lucas’s map comes with a hazard sign that alerts people to ‘bad tattoos’ and a heads-up that there are ‘pugs everywhere.’ Elsewhere, those who want to be alone on the beach are told to take their place west of the King Alfred Leisure Centre – right next door to a small segment reserved only for Zoe Ball.

Fat, naked German men can be found sandwiched between the gay and lesbian community and the unemployed fishers.

Mr Lucas joked: “Someone said ‘you have Zoe Ball’s area wrong, it should be to the left more’ – but they are taking it all too literally.”

Comments (4)

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11:00am Mon 28 Apr 14

Man of steel says...

If this is an example of so called modern humour, then I'm afraid I do not find it at all funny, "Fat, naked German men", is that funny, or racist?
He thinks it's a "bit of a laugh" to be unemployed? I suppose he agrees that it is a bit of a lark to run the council.
"Hilarious effort on social media"? Well, Mr Lucas certainly has the right name to be a bit of joke.
If this is an example of so called modern humour, then I'm afraid I do not find it at all funny, "Fat, naked German men", is that funny, or racist? He thinks it's a "bit of a laugh" to be unemployed? I suppose he agrees that it is a bit of a lark to run the council. "Hilarious effort on social media"? Well, Mr Lucas certainly has the right name to be a bit of joke. Man of steel
  • Score: 11

11:37am Mon 28 Apr 14

Martha Gunn says...

Not very funny - certainly not a 'bit of a laugh'.

In fact it borders on the offensive.

What on earth are Brighton and Hove Council doing getting involved in this sort of thing.
Not very funny - certainly not a 'bit of a laugh'. In fact it borders on the offensive. What on earth are Brighton and Hove Council doing getting involved in this sort of thing. Martha Gunn
  • Score: 13

1:09pm Mon 28 Apr 14

phillucas says...

I only do these projects so I can get to enjoy the obligatory bile, hate and doom of the regular Argus comments contributors. I’m pleased you’re not letting me down.
I only do these projects so I can get to enjoy the obligatory bile, hate and doom of the regular Argus comments contributors. I’m pleased you’re not letting me down. phillucas
  • Score: -10

2:20pm Mon 28 Apr 14

ThomasLord42 says...

For those of you that are offended, there are plenty of serious things to be offended about rather than seeking it in trivia, you sullen ,humourless lot.
For those of you that are offended, there are plenty of serious things to be offended about rather than seeking it in trivia, you sullen ,humourless lot. ThomasLord42
  • Score: 1

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