WE HAVE nothing to fear but fear itself, said President Franklin D Roosevelt in his inaugural address in 1932.

He never met Donald Trump. In the good ol Disunited States at the present moment (for those of you who have been on planet X) the primary season is in full swing, with the Democrats and Republicans selecting their candidate for the presidency.

Fans of The West Wing or the Kevin Spacey version of House of Cards will no doubt be aware of the dramatic back stabbing slog each candidate goes through to clinch the nomination and it is looking increasingly likely that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic Party nominee and Donald Trump will be the Republican candidate.

It has been said by many parliamentarians that British politicians look at US politics with a twinge of envy – at the glamour, the razzmatazz, the sheer testosterone rush of power in the world’s most powerful country.

The feeling can sometimes be mutual. Bill Clinton once said during a speech to both houses of Parliament that had he been born in the UK he could well have been Prime Minister.

If he had been become our PM then I am sure it would have been a case of cigars all round, as Monica Lewinski may or may not have said. But could you imagine our beloved politicians campaigning for office in the good ol’ US of A? How would that have worked out?

In the case of the Democrats there are some similarities with their political bedfellows, the Labour party. Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders is a self-declared socialist who has made a big impact in the Democratic primaries so far, running Hillary Clinton close and winning enough support to pull Hillary towards a more left-leaning policy platform.

Bernie Sanders’ equivalent would of course be Jeremy Corbyn. Both appeal to young voters, perhaps ironically considering they are both not on the spring chicken end of the political scale, but both seem to engender enthusiasm from a disaffected element of their respective electorates. As for the mirror image of Hillary Clinton, that could well be a toss up between Margaret Beckett and Yvette Cooper, although Cherie Blair would have come close if she were an MP, so maybe living in a parliamentary democracy isn’t so bad after all.

What of the Republicans and their sister party, the Tories? In US elections, likeability is a key factor in winning over the caucuses for both parties, (might be bit of a challenge) so where would that leave the so called ‘big beasts’ of the Conservative Party if they were to run for office in the American electoral system? It is conventional wisdom in the Disunited States, that to clinch the Republican nomination, the further you go towards the hard right and religious neo-con end of the spectrum, the better your chances. This is all well and good for winning over the angry white heartlands in the primaries but usually points to unelectability when the eventual winner runs against the Democratic candidate in the general election.

Now let’s assume that some of the right wing of the Tory party were to campaign for office in the US, how might they fare? The Grand Old Party (Republicans) would probably quite enjoy the eccentric bombast of Boris Johnson. He is after all not dissimilar to Donald Trump – bonkers, ambitious and mystifyingly popular with, shall we say, “interesting” hair.

The rest of them may not fare so well in the Republican primaries, but they might appeal to that other branch of American politics, Hollywood.

If politics is showbusiness for ugly people, then a certain rabble of right-wingers in the Tory party might find themselves in demand. John Redwood could take on the role of Mr Spock in the next Star Trek series. Hollywood might come calling for Iain Duncan Smith should they ever wish to do a remake of Nosferatu, although he may face competition for the role from Michael ‘something of the night’ Howard. Either way Michael Howard could always do a remake of First Blood or play the love interest in the Twilight vampire series, so there’s probably room for them both. ‘Ding Dong’ Dave Cameron would easily fit into the louche David Niven roles and Teresa May would be a fabulous Zelda in a live action remake of The Terrorhawks. As for George Osborne, he makes Frank Underwood – a fabulously evil Kevin Spacey in the US version of House of Cards – look like Mary Poppins, and Hollywood does love an evil Brit. It’s politics Jim, but not as we know it.

The sad news from across the Atlantic is that well known comedy double act Donald Trump and his hair are to split. It seems they both wish to develop their solo careers, citing artistic differences over which way the wind was blowing. Ahh, bless. The Donald, as he likes to refer to himself, has gone as far as he can with his beloved comedy pal, which he caught and shot on a hunting expedition with Sarah Palin in the 1990s.

The wig, for his part, has said enough is enough. It can’t sit there and listen to the same eccentric ramblings and scaremongering any longer. So it’s coming to England to replace the hair of Boris Johnson.

  • Mark Brailsford’s The Treason Show is at the Southern Pavilion, Worthing Pier, on Friday, March 25, at 8pm. Tickets: worthingpier.co.uk.