Are you the spitting image of someone else? Do you have a doppelganger? I hate to admit this but I’m always told I look like Elton John (really?) or Alan Bennett, which again I can’t quite see, writes Councillor Alistair McNair.

I suppose I should be flattered. Look at my photo and you'll see I’m hardly photogenic, am I? But I don’t care. Which is just as well. These days, it’s part of a councillor’s job to get your snap taken next to graffiti, blocked drains or rubbish bins – even uglier things than me. It’s just editors seem to have a knack for picking the worst possible pic (sorry ed).

When I read that Sir Keir Starmer had been told to shed the pounds recently, I did feel a dash of sympathy for him. I’m firmly in the tubby camp myself. He’s probably avoiding bacon sandwiches like the plague.

Looking at some pics of Sir Keir kicking a ball around, it’s hard to tell him apart from Bojo. They could be lookalikes in Private Eye. Maybe that’s the cunning plan – that red wall voters will see some hidden likeness in that manly paunch and the claret-red grimace as he’s hurling some poor child out the way on the football pitch. How long will it be before he’s known as the KeSta or Starkey? No, it doesn’t work, does it? Does Sir Softie? Captain Hindsight? None of them trip off the tongue.

It must be so frustrating being either mistaken for someone else or being so forgettable. Perhaps it’s more embarrassing being the face-mistaker or the name-forgetter. I’m a mistaker and a forgetter. I work in a college teaching international students, so you’d think I’d have had plenty of practice. We have over 50 nationalities. Imagine the names we have. It’s hard enough remembering the names of residents – John, Lucy, Mark. Try names – I always mangle them – such as Jarupha, Constanza and Obaziunfah. I’ve become an expert at saying “you there” in countless polite contortions.

Here I am, struggling with a few names and I’m hauling poor students over the coals for not having mastered the concepts of plagiarism and collusion – put speech marks here and a citation there. Then there’s the essays. Did the student write this or was it their uncle in London? Luckily, there’s software to help – Turnitin. It can detect plagiarism, although actually it’s quite rare.

In student essays, at least. But what about political manifestos? Are they run through Turnitin software so pilfered text and ideas can be highlighted?

Manifestos must be among the most plagiarised bits of writing on the planet. Apart from cookery books. How many ways are there to describe stuffing a chicken? How many ways can you describe a bottle of Bordeaux? Or do the rules of plagiarism not apply to chefs?

Let’s uncork a couple of vintage manifestos from 2023. Have you got the taste buds of Oz Clarke or Jancis Robinson? Two people who can’t be confused with anyone else. Which of the following is a bottle of finest Labour and which is grand cru Green? I’ve added my tasting notes in red pen.

Glass number one. “We will look at changing catchment areas to protect schools facing closure, particularly in outlying areas.” Well, we all know Brighton has fewer and fewer children, so this was a bit rash, wasn’t it?

On to the second, rather flat glass. “We will introduce pilot schemes for 20-minute neighbourhoods that seek to create communities with all essential amenities within walking distance.” How exactly? You mean create ghettos across the city which outsiders can’t enter?

The third glass burns the mouth. “We won’t return to the use of harmful glyphosates, but we will work with our communities on targeted environmental and sustainable solutions.” That pledge didn’t last long!

This fourth glass tastes bitter. “We will … consult on the setting up of more bike hangars.” You didn’t consult us on forking out £125000 a year for the privilege.

This fifth glass will be hard to swallow. “All your … councillors will be residents who understand the challenges of inequality in our city.” Well, that didn’t work out. And two more elections will cost thousands.

Tipsy yet? Can you face a last glass? “Brighton and Hove is proud to be home to one of the largest LGBTQ+ communities in the country, adding to the vibrancy, creativity and uniqueness of our city.” But you cut money for violence against women and girls.

Did you guess? Actually, they were all Labour – but they could have been Green. They look and taste the same. What comments did Oz and Jancis make? Let me guess: sour, corked, vinegar. We thought we’d got claret last May, but it tastes like Listerine.

Alistair McNair is leader of the Conservatives on Brighton and Hove City Council