Tattoos are removed by laser. The idea is ink particles sit under the skin and are too big for the body to naturally dispose of. The laser shatters the ink and the smaller particles can be processed and flushed out. The brochures say "most people tolerate tattoo treatment well, and describe the sensation as a rubber band snap to the skin". We'll come back to that later.

Today I had a patch test, which makes sure I won't have any kind of adverse reaction to the treatment. I turned up at the Sussex Medical Chambers on New Church Road and had a brief, if not slightly dribbly, conversation with a lovely lady who had just had a whole load of collagen injected in to her lips. I was about to launch into my thing about how maybe she needs to learn to love herself rather than resorting to cosmetic surgery when I suddenly realised the bitter irony of my own body vanity. Metal and ink, in concept, is really no different to silicon and Botox.

The patch test itself was thankfully very short. Earlier in the week I had smugly told The Argus web editor I wasn't worried about the pain because I had all kinds of hippie tricks up my sleeve, dissociative meditation or some such. More fool me! Yes, it hurt. Yes, I am a little worried about how I will cope with having the whole area done. Yes, I am worried if I am doing the right thing.

Still, it only hurt briefly and although it stung while I made my way home and I melodramatically walked around my flat in my soft pyjamas with the waist rolled down and top rolled up, it was actually fine.

Pictures to follow. First full treatment next week. Eek.