Waxing Lyrical: What New Moon Means To Me

You’ll have heard of the Twilight books and probably now the Twilight films, too? A teenage phenomenon that’s sweeping the globe and leaving a trail of screaming ‘Twi-hards’ in its wake. The age-old story of forbidden love between two youngsters has been given an update by author Stephenie Meyer with the injection of vampires and werewolves. Throw in some hardcore crush material and it seems she’s onto a winner!

The high-school love story of Edward Cullen, 108-year-old graduation expert, and Bella Swan, poster-girl for mortal and misunderstood teen girls everywhere, has caught the imagination of not only passion-hungry schoolgirls, but their mums as well. I’ve seen those pictures of housewives lining up outside premieres and signings with the words ‘Bite Me’ written on their faces. And now I must confess to being a bit of a Twi-mum, too. Perhaps not to the extent where I’d take to writing it on my forehead, but I completely get the attraction of the story and, of course, lead actor Robert Pattinson - or R-Pattz, as he’s known to Heat magazine. So it was with a bit of a thrill that I found myself ensconced in a cinema this week alone and ready to watch New Moon, the sequel to the incredibly successful Twilight - or to give the film its full title, The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

It seems the first of the four planned films was so successful they managed to spend a bit more on special effects and hair extensions for Bella this time. But I digress. Following on from the first film and taking the story directly from the books, Edward and Bella are enjoying their relationship. Well, as much as they can, since they’re unable to even really kiss without the possiblity that he might turn monster and bite her. So their chaste kisses are full of barely-controlled deadly passion. But she isn’t worried about this because she’d quite like to turn bloodsucker in order to fend off her inevitable ageing, worried that Edward might not love her so much when she’s an old woman. I’d be worried too, because he’s genuinely gorgeous. He has a breathtakingly beautiful face, with cut-glass features and lowering brows - although his face is so caked in white make-up and with his odd-coloured eyes, I’m surprised no one at school thought to say: ‘You look like death, buddy.’

Musings on their future are cruelly cut short when Edward’s brother finds a bloody paper cut too hard to cope with and lunges at Bella. Edward realises that being in their world is far too dangerous for his love and he decides to upset her even further by dumping her alone in the scary woods, then leaves to travel the world. Cut to a distraught Bella, who spends the next few months brooding and getting herself into danger so that his image appears to talk her out of it. During this time she gets close to her childhood friend Jacob Black. Little known to Bella or even himself, Jacob has the werewolf gene, which - thanks to a resurgence of vampires in the area - has been reactivated in the young men from the local reservation. With me so far?

Due to some confusion, Edward hears on the grapevine that Bella has actually died in one of her adrenaline junkie stunts. He decides to give himself up to the evil vampire council called the Volturi and let them kill him, too. Cue a mad dash by Bella across the world to save Edward and ask him to take her back. But will she be in time and what happens when the Volturi see a human stranger in their midst?

Bar the odd dream and fight sequence or trick shot, the majority of the film is unstylised and this lends its fantastical world a certain amount of realism. Colours and tones are muted and wet, in some places as dull as the damp fur on a dogs back, of which we see a lot. The reveal of the wolves gives a pleasing thrill and even more pleasing for me (and most of the audience) was the truly astonishing moment when young Jacob takes his top off to expose a body no 17-year-old should be in possession of.

Early parts of the film are studded with cultural references in the form of paintings, plays and black and whites, which lead like an artistic trail to the denouement in Voltura, Italy – a vampiric Florence, if you will. The saga certainly does well in creating its own mythology. Beloved Brit actor Michael Sheen hams it up beautifully without ever taking the piss as Aro, the head of the Volturi. And it’s here that we get the money shot. R-Pattz also disrobes and, if Jacob Black has a body carved from mahogany, then Edward has one sculpted in marble. The final showdown and Edward’s closing line set up the next film brilliantly. If you’re a fan, you’ll already know why.

Heavy breathing and snorting take the place of emotional acting in certain parts, while words are given more meaning with parted lips and tongues pressed into the back of teeth. I did enjoy watching the leading trio trying to out-brood each other with their over-intense displays and clunky dialogue (‘You give me everything I need just by breathing’). But they all turn in reasonably credible performances as teen gawkiness and adult wariness are portrayed well. There’s even a bit of comic relief provided by Bella’s school chums.

The over-riding theme is love and angst – and what this story does brilliantly is allow you to remember that time when your latest crush felt so intense and forever. Life and death are naught in the face of that love and Bella lives by this mantra so fully she spends most of the film offering herself up to anyone who’ll kill her so that she can prove her love better. But it seems she puts herself into danger only so that those who love her can put themselves into more danger in order to save her (like a brunette Kim Bauer from 24) and it does get a bit trying.

But… I loved it. New Moon is fantastic, erotic escapism for a married mother who knows her chances of hooking up with a knock-em-dead vampire are probably unlikely now. So I might just go and see it again. And if you don’t like it, then bite me. No really - bite me.

Alice Wright - Reluctant Housewife