The FTSE is in freefall, house prices have peaked and interest rates are at a record low. So where does the canny investor look for a quick profit today?

Some might follow David Dickinson's advice and go bargain hunting. But, increasingly, people are buying David Dickinson himself.

Celebdaq is the new internet craze sweeping media circles, students and other people with too much time on their hands.

In this era of Pop Idol and Popbitch, celebrities are increasingly becoming commodities - to be built-up, knocked down, used and abused according to the whims of the public.

Celebdaq takes this premise to its natural conclusion, allowing Joe Public the chance to take a big slice of Jo Brand or buy shares in Shakira.

But while Enrique may be a safer bet than Enron, a celebrity's status in the limelight is not guaranteed. As any reality television star will testify, the line between Hear'say and passe is very thin.

Like the stock exchange, celebs' share prices rise and fall.

Wheeler-dealers decide where to stake their money by predicting how much exposure their celebs will be making in the papers.

The Oscars are coming? Buy women in posh frocks. The Grammies? Think Pink rather than Blue.

At the end of each week, shareholders are paid a dividend proportionate to the column inches the stars attract in national Press.

Of course, the money involved is not real - although cunning capitalists can use their profits to splash out on virtual yachts and private jets.

Such luxuries are a long way off for the novice dabbler though, who starts with just £10,000 and a bewildering list of potential purchases.

Dozens of celebrities are on offer, from the Queen, right up to Cheryl Tweedy of pop band Girls Aloud.

With a sense of parochial patriotism, I decided to stake my entire £10,000 on showbusiness stars with links to the South Coast.

Alas, some of Hove's best-known stars, such as Fatboy Slim and Chris Eubank, were not listed.

Even David Van Day was somehow overlooked.

So showbusiness personalities with rather more tenuous links to Sussex were brought in to The Argus's portfolio.

Gail Hipgrave, the pint-sized Scottish television presenter married to Eastbourne guitarist Dan Hipgrave, from Toploader, got the nod.

Rapper Ms Dynamite, who turned down a place at Sussex University, also merited a look.

Criminally overpriced was radio and television presenter Zoe Ball.

Shares were issued in Zoe after a public clamour when she and husband Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook began a trial separation after Christmas.

Her stock began at £42.85 per share, while steady performers like Eminem and Victoria Beckham hover around the £3 and £4 mark respectively.

A spokesman for Celebdaq said she and Fatboy were previously thought of as "untouchable" in the Press, meaning bad news stories about them could actually harm circulation.

The spokesman said: "We have to be honest and say we were caught out by this unexpected story. We had heard mutterings but on this occasion chose to dismiss them as unsubstantiated."

I bought 30 shares in Zoe at £30.76 each, realising it was likely to be a loss-making venture but still hoping for a happy ending and a healthy dividend.

Gail Hipgrave, whose share price was a rock bottom £1, was good for 100 shares. Likewise, Ditchling-born Jamie Theakston at £1.92 and Sir Paul McCartney, who lives in Hove with wife Heather Mills, at £3.43.

Ms Dynamite and music impresario Simon Cowell, whose mother lives in Rottingdean, I fancied for just ten and three shares respectively.

I then bought 1,000 shares in Heather Mills for £2,321.20 and used the remainder to buy up a piece of Jordan. The 1,867 shares in the glamour girl cost £5,947.70 but I hoped her value would inflate.

Keeping tabs on one's investment is easy.

Celebdaq is run by the BBC and constantly updated.

News bulletins ensure players know which personality is up to what and with whom. Simple graphics reveal which stocks are plummeting and which are soaring.

The tabloids also give a fair indication of how one's investment might fare.

In last Thursday's Daily Mirror, for example, the ubiquitous Zoe was featured on pages one, three and the women's section.

I was, however, growing concerned as, with the exception of Heather Mills and Ms Dynamite, my entire portfolio was sliding.

So, come Friday, I was pleasantly surprised to find a weekly dividend payout of £3313.39.

Ms Dynamite did spectacularly well, her shares earning a princely £6.50 each.

I also found Mills a boon, with lucky Heather raking me in £1,440.

Jordan left me anything but bust with almost £1,700 in the kitty and there were also healthy profits from Sir Paul and Zoe.

However, Simon Cowell earned me just 85p and there was no income at all from my other so-called stars.

The week's biggest winner was apparently Kylie Minogue, thanks largely to her bottom.

On Monday, I decided Ms Dynamite, Jordan and Heather Mills must have peaked and sold up. Although I was correct about two, Ms Dynamite has continued to climb and should be overtaking Zoe Ball any day now.

I, on the other hand, threw my profits into Damon Albarn.

His band Blur have a new album out soon, produced by Fatboy Slim.

Surely that means heavy promotion, record company-inspired romances and crazy publicity stunts.

Music-loving purists may be aghast but, if I'm ever going to get that virtual yacht, I sincerely hope so.