What is this mysterious virus that affects thousands of people in our region and has been around for more than 100 years?

It has no long-term effect yet the symptoms are varied and can sometimes cause friction in families. It can cheer people up or make them feel sad.

The friction is caused through the strange ways this virus works - when one member has it, another may want it but in no way can they get it.

It has a hypnotic effect, too, causing some people to sit in their armchairs, staring at something in front of them and every now and again reaching out their arm and making a half-circular movement.

This may continue for quite some time. We take it for granted and only miss it when it is not there.

A vast one-man survey into this virus was carried out by the well-known firm Yoors Trooly and the conclusion was arrived at that everyone affected had either visited a newsagent or contracted it through their letterbox.

After further research through ancient manuscripts, the unquestionable conclusion reached was that this virus is named The Argus, meaning a fabulous being with a hundred eyes - a wonderful person.

-Frank Edwards, Craven Road, Brighton