I have just returned from my usual over-the-Channel holiday in a clean, non rip-off, quiet and polite environment and was yet again struck by the fact our so-called city has none of these facets.

The situation is exacerbated by the annual invasion of a cacophonous rabble masquerading as language students. I have obtained the following instructions issued to their "students" by the language schools:

1 Never talk in normal tones, always shout.

2 Whenever possible, congregate in vast clumps at strategic points so residents are unable to use the pavement. Do the same at bus stops so residents are unable to board buses.

3 Always ignore the quaint English custom of queuing.

4 Once on a bus, sit as far apart as possible and continue to shout at each other.

5 Sprawl over a double seat (preferably with feet sticking into the gangway) to reduce capacity and ensure residents cannot travel.

6 If sitting in a gangway seat, always sit at a 90-degree angle with legs and feet blocking the gangway.

7 Even if forced to sit next to each other, continue to shout.

8 Stand as near as possible to the driver - whether there are seats or not - to prevent anybody else getting on.

9 If possible, wear a large and heavy rucksack and swing it from side to side while storming up the gangway to ensure the maximum number of residents are hit around the head.

10 Never apologise.

11 Continually change seats rapidly to (a) impress the residents how mobile you are and (b) maximise the opportunity to shout.

Perhaps Roger French could alleviate the problem by introducing compulsory students-only buses to give residents a chance, such buses to have all seats removed to maximise capacity?

-Tony Booker, Buller Road, Brighton