I have decided to develop a set of rules for living with a pre teenager.

These include the following: All Mums need to have a nice hot cup of coffee as soon as they get up in the morning and as soon as they return from work before they do anything else at all. This is essential.

Mums are not telepathic and so do not know the letter from school is in the bottom of your school bag unless you tell her. It is not right to give your Mum these letters as she is going out of the front door at 20 past eight in the morning of the day they have to be sent back to school signed.

The pile of ironing is the large pile of clothes on a chair in the spare room. This has been the situation since the day you were born. Since you started school this is where you have been able to find clean socks and underwear. Therefore it is not allowable for you to say things like 'I haven't got/can't find any socks or tights' or 'Where is the ironing, I don't know where it is'.

When Mums are having a bath they do not want other people to open the bathroom door every two minutes to ask for help with physics homework or to show her the dog do his new trick. They have run a hot bath in order to obtain some peace and quiet. They want to be left alone in the bath. They enjoy baths and like to spend a long time in there with the door shut.

It is not allowable for you to say 'What, buying more wine again?' in a loud voice when in the supermarket queue. Mums need wine frequently. This is a fact of life.

Mums do not want to watch Sabrina the teenage witch every day. Sometimes they want to watch programmes they have chosen. This is allowed. When they are watching a programme they have chosen they like to do this undisturbed. They do not want other people to use the remote control to channel hop during the adverts.

When your mum is getting ready to go out do not watch her trying to squeeze into her favourite black trousers with an amused smirk on your face. This is unkind and makes her feel fat.

Similarly do not answer in the affirmative when your Mum asks if her bum 'looks big in this'. Also it is forbidden to roll around the bed laughing in response to this question.

Having three subjects for homework does not excuse you from doing the washing up especially if you spent the first hour an a half after you got back from school watching Sabrina the teenage witch.

When Mums are washing up with the radio on in the kitchen it is not possible for them to hear what you are saying from three rooms away. Raising your voice will not help her hear any better. It will just make her cross. Raising your voice even louder will just make her more cross.