Regarding the new laws about using "reasonable force" when confronting burglars, the Government should issue some guidelines.

For example, when facing an intruder in your home, it is permissible to hit him over the head, provided you do not use a hammer or anything heavy enough to put him to sleep permanently.

You could also set your dog on him, as long as it is no bigger than a poodle, for the same reason.

You could try pulling the rug from under his feet, making sure he puts down your telly first and doesn't bang his head on the fender and make nasty stains on your new carpet.

Failure to take such precautions could result in you ending up in Dartmoor with other criminals such as TV licence dodgers etc.

-Roy Saunders, Hove