I am beginning to suspect there is a conspiracy to stop me going to Chichester.

If it is true, it is centred on the Chichester Festival Theatre, where a pretty dismal summer season certainly makes me reluctant to attend the playhouse.

The latest piece of nonsense is The Coffee House by Carlo Goldoni, an Italian farceur in 1750.

It is a comedy about how money corrupts, sapping the morals and morale, and generally does none of us any good.

It might have been a good idea to perhaps revive Goldoni's original but director Simon Gonella and the artistic triumvirate currently ruling the Chichester stage don't do that.

Instead, they revive German director Rainier Werner Fassbinder's Fifties version, giving it a new translation by Jeremy Sams.

Fassbinder only spent a fairly short time in theatre before discovering the cinema and becoming a master of the arthouse movie - if this piece of stagework is anything to go by, the theatre was well rid of him.

It isn't fast enough for farce, nowhere near funny enough for comedy and even as a piece of Fifties kitsch, this does not work at all.

The best thing about The Coffee House is it only lasts two hours with a 20-minute interval. But be warned - it does seem a lot longer.

For tickets, call 01243 787288.