Erg an not technically inert," read the text message sent to me by the Relative Formerly Known As Mother.

She was responding to my comments about general parental technical ineptitude and inability to understand or operate anything more modern than a gramophone player.

Comments arose after the Relative Formerly Known As Dad interrupted my planned work schedule numerous times. Initially, this was to ask me to explain the difference between email and web addresses and latterly to try to impress upon me how he now understood the differences, by displaying that he patently did not and asking things like "I suppose hhtp is a web address somewhere in Haywards Heath?" and "Is www somewhere in West Wittering?"

He also wanted to know if he could send an email from a mobile phone (they've recently acquired one "just in case") and I pointed out that, even if it was technically possible on their model of phone, it was unlikely they would be able to send one as they were technically inept and couldn't even send a text message.

So now the Relative Formerly Known As Mother was doing her best to prove me wrong by sending me garbled texts such as "Erg an not technically inert".

I presumed she meant "I am not technically inept" but was unable to work out how to override the predictive text.

"Erg think you should learn how to override predictive text before sending out bold assertions," I replied, to let her know I had complete mastery of the medium, to which she responded "What is fri?"

"Fri is the day after Thursday," I replied, wondering if it was actually the birthday of some sibling or other that I should have remembered. Then I realised fri was what appeared on screen when you typed in erg using predictive text and added "But erg is someone who an not technically inert".

"Inert," came the reply, which I presumed was an attempt correcting herself and writing inept but, because she is inept, had once again come out as "inert."

"Did you mean to say inept?" I texted and tried to get on with some work but my phone bleeped again to alert me (or possibly inert me) to the existence of another text message.

"Does Wayne sleep not have fabulous calves? Tx," read the message, which caused me to wonder what on earth the Relative Formerly Known As Mother could have been trying to write, by doing anagrams with the various letter combinations of the words sent.

After some time wasted, I realised Tx was not a mistake but Tim, my gay professional dog walking friend who obviously was commenting on the fabulousness of Wayne Sleep's calves.

"Thought you were RFKAM," I replied to Tim. "She's been proving her technical prowess by sending me text messages which don't always read as they should. Haven't been particularly struck by Wayne's calves myself . . . "

Tim, like self, has been engrossed in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, not least because he enjoys watching little Wayne prancing around.

"Here's one for your mother," came a message from Tim. "And a anothiaints and . . . " which I presume was something unprintable, written in predictive text which, being a clean and well censored format, was unable to translate whatever filthy thing it was Tim had written.

I didn't send it on to my mother but returned to work, hoping the spate of texting was now over. She also thought it was time I got on with something more productive than sending her messages as she sent me one to say so. At least I think she did. It was hard to tell as it read "Haven you go work to do lizyid?"