Abused by my evil father

The deadly game of Russian roulette was his idea of family entertainment.

But psychological torment was not enough for him. He also began to sexually abuse his daughter, a childhood 'game' which led to 12 years of degradation and brainwashing, and a lifetime of guilt.

Wide-eyed and innocent, the tousle-haired girl had no idea of the depraved world she was being sucked into.

He was her father. She trusted him.

For many victims, the nightmare of sexual abuse has no end. Long after the physical abuse has ceased, the psychological damage is profound and inescapable. It ruins young lives and leads many along the desperate road to suicide.

But Carol had an uncrushable spirit.

She doesn't know how, or exactly when, but somehow she managed to find the strength to escape from the man who ruled - and almost ruined - her body and mind.

After keeping her dark secret for nearly half a century, Carol decided to break her silence and talk about her shocking childhood and the man who destroyed it.

Carol has never dared tell anyone about her secret past. But, sitting in a tiny hotel room in Brighton, she is ready to banish the demons inside her.

A trim woman with grey hair but clear, unlined skin, Carol left Sussex years ago but has returned to tell her story to the police.

But she also wanted to talk to us. Above all, Carol believes hers is a story of courage, hope and inspiration for others.

She takes a deep breath and begins to talk quietly and calmly about how the nightmare began.

"Until I was about seven, I had very little contact with my father. He would go to work early and by the time he came home, I would be in bed.

"When I was about seven, he started to encourage me into his bed on Sunday mornings when mother was downstairs.

"It was a thrill to me to be allowed into his big, warm bed. He would touch me. He told me it was our lovely 'big secret'.

Carol describes her father as intelligent, morose and a depressive.

"But he was also very strong and he took me over completely."

As the years passed and their relationship deepened, Carol was virtually cut off from the outside world.

"I wasn't allowed to go to school, I wasn't allowed to read books or newspapers, I wasn't allowed to have any friends - he controlled everything. Because I had no outside life, I knew no better. Whatever he told me, I believed. He totally possessed me."

Carol was also forbidden to have any contact with any other members of her family.

"My whole life was completely under his spell. I wasn't allowed to do anything for myself or think for myself. We all lived in the same house, but it was as though the others didn't exist to me."

The family lived in 'filth and squalor' in a Brighton council house where there was never any heating, warm food, nightclothes or clean sheets or blankets.

Carol's father used photography as a smokescreen. He used an attic room to indulge his perverted fantasies in private.

He took hundreds of pornographic photographs of his daughter and had sex with her on an old mattress.

He also talked endlessly of killing Carol's mother and encouraged her to plot with him, discussing how they would dispose of the body.

Playing Russian roulette was merely an interlude to the sexual abuse.

"Father used to make me hold a loaded .38 revolver to his head and pull the trigger. Can you imagine the pain of a little girl who adores her Daddy having to point the gun at him and pull the trigger time after time? I used to beg and beg him not to make me do it."

Even when Carol got a job he controlled her every move, delivering and collecting her from work, meeting her for lunch and forbidding her to have friends.

"All my life, every time something went wrong, it was my fault. When I was a teenager, the Aberfan disaster happened and for some strange reason that was my fault too.

"Although I was still devoted to him, I tried to reason how it could possibly be my fault. I suppose I was getting a little more rebellious and we started to have the odd row.

"Around that time, a new girl came to work and out of everyone there she chose me as a friend. I had never had a friend before. She was super, so full of life and I suppose she started to make me see things differently."

In her late teens, Carol's life changed dramatically.

"I don't know exactly what happened but I just decided I wasn't going to stand it any more and I broke away. I got a flat and a new job.

"It was absolute heaven. For the first time in my life I could do anything I wanted. People treated me with respect and I earned a decent wage."

Two years later she met her first husband. They were together for years before parting amicably. A couple of years later she met the man who became her second husband.

She has never told either about her past.

"I could never find the words, or the right time, to tell anyone, not even a girlfriend. I couldn't bear to see the disgust on their faces or burden them with all the stuff I've been carrying around for years.

"And in the back of my mind, I suppose I was thinking: 'Would people believe me?' "

Carol is philosophical about her past.

"It happened and it was terrible. But what I'm interested in now is showing that you can beat this kind of abuse.

"I could have gone into a life of porn or prostitution - heaven knows I had enough experience.

"But I didn't. I decided to get out and build a new life. I don't want people to think, 'Poor Carol'. I've toughed it out and I'd like people to realise you can escape."

Even though she has built a new life, she cannot forget.

"Sometimes if I see something on TV or hear people talking about paedophiles, it is like a knife going in me. You can never let it go completely."

Carol gave a lengthy statement to the police one Friday night. On Saturday morning she threw up.

"I felt numb but I was sure I'd done the right thing."

She hoped against hope Sussex Police would be able to prosecute her father. Her worst fears were confirmed when she got a phone call telling her they could not.

Her voice breaking she said: "I'm very disappointed but I have no regrets."

She was hoping they would find old photographs or other evidence of his perverted ways.

But the Crown Prosecution Service said because of the passage of time, there was not enough evidence to bring a case.

Carol said: "I almost can't bear to think about it, but I suspect I'm not the only one he abused. Once, when I telephoned, a young girl's voice answered. It was like having my stomach wrenched out.

"My father was evil and devious and persuasive. He taught me to lie and even now, if I ever have to come up with an excuse, I can think of 100 effortlessly. All those years of lying to my family and everyone else taught me that."

Carol has never had children. It never happened and she has never questioned it.

For the second time during our interview, she breaks down.

"All the time my father was abusing me he never used contraception and I never got pregnant. My periods were always irregular.

"Sometimes, if I was two or three months late, he would threaten me and say if I did get pregnant I had to say I had been raped in the street.

"It has never been a big issue but in the back of my mind I think you always have this nagging doubt that you never really know somebody and what might happen. Also, who knows what effect it has on your body when you have been brainwashed?

"This has eaten away inside me for 40 years. I have wanted to tell so many times. I have been desperate to do it, but I couldn't. Even now it's not an easy thing to do.

"There have been times over the years when I have felt a little bit sorry for father but now I see him for the evil, conniving man he is. He never once said sorry."

For legal reasons, Carol's name has been changed.